Restless

The universe has a twisted sense of humor. I haven't had a severe cold in over a year and a half (since I moved to Philly). Seriously. My asthma inhaler had been floating around in my bag and had to be cleaned before I could even use it. Normally, my asthma is non-medicated. When I get a cold or respiratory infection, however, it hits me hard and my lungs don't handle it well and I'm extremely susceptible to complications. Colds often require what is considered asthma maintenance medication for extra support and/or my emergency inhaler for a few days so I can breathe comfortably and not wheeze or whistle and to keep things from getting worse. What's more, when I pulled my inhaler out to use it, I discovered it was set to expire soon and I needed a new prescription. Not good. But, on the other hand, it's bloody fantastic that it had been so long since I used it that I hadn't noticed it was about to expire. Fortunately, I was able to get in to see a doctor on Monday afternoon and now have a nice shiny new emergency inhaler and an additional maintenance medication inhaler to use for the next month while I get over this vicious cold. And I'm breathing easier again, even with all the coughing and nose blowing. Phew.

At any rate, last Friday was my birthday. And I was home sick with the horrific cold and using my emergency inhaler. This does not qualify as a good birthday, to say the least. I'm trying to convince myself that I really celebrated my birthday a week early in St. Louis, MO by consuming way too many cupcakes and spending time with friends. Basically calling the mini-vacation a birthday gift to myself. It's kind of working, I think I'm starting to believe it.

But my actual birthday was last Friday. And for some reason, this birthday is just not sitting well with me. Normally birthdays don't bother me. Yes, in general birthdays are very important to me, both mine and those of my friends and family. A day to celebrate that the people I love were born and are in my life, and an excuse to get all sappy and remind them they are important to me. That's the purpose of birthdays in my opinion. As I said last year: "Physical gift or card or not, reminding someone that you're happy they were born is a gift in itself."

I've never had a birthday freak-out or dreaded becoming another year older. I've never had the OMG-I'm-turning-X reaction to a birthday. Frankly, the only time I actually felt a bit old is when my younger sister turned 25, and that was a few years ago now. Turning 25 or even 30 didn't faze me in the slightest.

This year my feelings towards my birthday are different. While certainly not a significant number, it is not sitting well. I feel restless and frustrated. And kind of incomplete/unfulfilled. I wasn't entirely sure why. So I took stock of the past year. And it was rough for me personally: dealing with my identity theft, having several fallings out with people I thought were friends (which makes me sad) and losing their support when I really needed it, settling into a new city/job, my dog having health issues related to getting old (I'm not dealing well with my dog getting old...she's supposed to live forever), battles with my former phone company AT&T (just to get what I was paying them for), issues with my rental house (leaking roofs, etc.), and all that along side other things that constitute the daily challenges of life. And looking at that list I started to understand why I feel so tired.

And then I looked back at where I thought I'd be in my life by now. Everyone has an idea of where they expect to be 5, 10, 15 years down the road. It may not be set in stone, but there are general things you expect and want out of life. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be settled somewhere, possibly owning my own home. Hopefully with a partner and at least thinking about children. Instead I feel restless, unsettled. And quite frustrated with my life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my job (frustrations and all) and my career. That's about the only thing that I feel has really grown and moved forward for me in positive ways recently.

But I know I need balance between my work/career and my life, and it's that life half of the balance that's giving me issues right now. My life isn't where I want or expected it to be. And I've tried to move forward, but things just haven't been going my way and I truly feel like most of my life the past year has been one battle after another. And I'm tired. Tired of feeling like I'm having to work hard at everything, even to get the simplest things done. I don't know if it's something I'm doing (or not doing), or if it's something else. Maybe I'm trying/working too hard or trying to force things. Maybe I'm not trying/working hard enough or trying the wrong things. I don't know. And I also don't know where to go from here or what happens next.

Still, I'm restless and frustrated. That much I do know.

Happy Birthday to me

Today is my birthday. The past week has been a good mail week. The bills aren't coming yet, AND I got birthday mail (cards and even a few packages).

Besides going out to dinner (or this year, lunch) and maybe even dancing with friends, I don't do much to celebrate my birthday anymore besides talk on the phone with all my relatives. Yes, pretty much all my relatives. In one night. I have several bottles of water and beer chilling in the fridge in anticipation. The water is to prevent hoarseness and the beer is to self-medicate afterwards. [Mom, Dad, don't worry, I'm just kidding about the self medicating part...sort of.]

My good friend JM and I share the same birthday but different years. So when I lived in the same city as her we did joint dinners to celebrate, especially since our circles of friends overlapped greatly (we worked in the same place). Easier for everyone, including us, that way. One year we even got each other the same thing...call it an exchange of the gift cards. And we were both quite happy with our gift to each other, too.

I think celebrating, or at least acknowledging, birthdays is important. Everyone needs to be reminded that someone in the world is happy about and celebrating the fact that they were born. Even when the person would rather forget that it's their birthday because it's a milestone and they're turning 30, 40, 50, whatever. My friend EH used to always miss my birthday. At one point, he was a good 6 months off! It's not that he forgot, just that he had it written down wrong (someday I'll tell you more about his "calendar" consisting of post-it notes and scraps of paper taped to the window frame in college, no joke). He was so sheepish and cute about it. But frankly, the fact that he was off by months didn't bother me, because he just wanted me to know he was happy I was alive, and that's what really mattered. Physical gift or card or not, reminding someone that you're happy they were born is a gift in itself.

My mother used to take this acknowledgment to a whole new level. In college she took to calling me 36 hours before I was born to remind me that's when she started labor AND how long she labored AND that this was after I was already several weeks late AND she did it all without drugs BUT in the end it I was worth it. Talk about the ultimate in mother guilt trips. That would buy any parent a few weeks of good behavior. Apparently I did not want to be born. My theory is that my parents watched the news and I heard all this stuff about the world and decided that it was much nicer in my little space in my mom's belly. Seriously, given the choice, would you have been born?

But born I was, the initial delay notwithstanding. And now I'm another year older. Whether or not I'm wiser as well is open to interpretation, although I hope I learned a thing or two and maybe even grew as a person this past year. But for now I'm just going to celebrate being born and go eat some chocolate. My colleague's daughter, a toddler, equates birthdays with chocolate cake. I think she's a very wise little girl. Because today is a day I can eat as much chocolate as I want without the guilt. Just because it's my birthday, dammit.

Pots and pans!

I have new pots and pans! Woo hoo! Happy dance around the kitchen!

I had a message when I got home from UPS telling me they had a package that would be delivered between 8AM and 7PM that day. I was a little confused, knowing I hadn't ordered anything. And given my past experience with UPS, I figured I had missed them but there was no little UPS sticky note on my front door. So I waited. And naturally, as soon as I went upstairs to change pants the doorbell rang and the dog went nuts. So back down I went, without changing my pants, to greet the UPS man. Who had a VERY big box. From Amazon.com. Addressed to me. Still confused, I signed for said package and pulled the box indoors, all while trying to keep Aussie from defending my honor and following the UPS man out the door to chase him down the steps. I'm not sure if she wanted to make friends or not, but she made a LOT of noise.

Imagine my surprise to see that the contents of said box had been ordered by my dad in Australia. My BIRTHDAY GIFT!! [Note: for those of you that have difficulty with dates, and you know who you are, this is a good month and a half early, so don't worry.] A few years ago, it was decided that we would dispense with exchanging Christmas gifts. His wife has 4 sons, who among them have 6 sons (so far). So my dad and his wife focus on the grandsons at Christmas rather than the daughters and sons and daughters-in-law (because wow, there's a lot of us) and we do big birthday gifts instead. I'm okay with that. In fact, I now do the very same thing with some of my friends. That way the costs of gift giving are spread out over the year and it helps ease some of the insanity around the holidays.

Dad had told me what he was going to get me, based on what I had ranked as "high" or "highest" on my Amazon.com wish list. I just didn't expect it so soon. So while I knew what it was, it's arrival was still a surprise. Pretty good deal, huh?

Back to the contents of the box. Inside was a set of Calphalon One Infused Anodized pots and pans. These are damn good pots and pans. "Investment" pieces for your kitchen. They are gorgeous. Seriously. I've been lusting after them for quite some time now. When I decided I wanted some really nice pots and pans, I did my research, and decided on Calphalon. Because they're fantastic. Oven AND broiler safe. With a lifetime warranty (provided you don't put them in the dishwasher, which I don't have, so it's not an issue). I should never need to buy pots and pans again. They're that good.

The box

The gorgeous pots and pans themselves

I've been slowly outfitting my kitchen with good quality tools. I started with my dishes. Denby Imperial Blue. Then my flatware. For this I saved up Betty Crocker points (unfortunately they've discontinued their catalog and points) and went with Oneida in the Paramount pattern. Over the years I've asked for and received several small appliances including a rice cooker, a blender, an electric kettle (beyond useful, highly recommended investment) and a good quality toaster. When I made these requests I received not only the appliance but many looks and "are you sure" questions. Apparently unmarried people in their early and mid 20s don't ask for small kitchen appliances as gifts. Go figure. A few birthdays ago I received the KitchenAid Artisan Series Stand Mixer. Not only an amazing kitchen appliance, but a work of art at the same time. Alton Brown painted flames on his.

A year ago I finally bought a good quality set of knives. I had been using hand me down knives for years, and they had gotten to the point that they just weren't holding an edge. And dull knives are a safety hazard. I did have one knife I really loved, by J. A. Henckels. So I ended up with a set of their International Classic knives complete with knife block. They cut through anything like butter. It's fabulous. Of course, since I had been using old knives, my cutting boards weren't all that great either. So to go with the knives I bought a set of bamboo cutting boards. They work great.

And now I have good quality amazing pots and pans. With the exception of baking pans (I don't bake much so I'm not too worried), a few random items, and adding to my dishes, my kitchen is pretty much complete.

So THANK YOU, DAD! I'm so very excited to actually try cooking with them. I'm going to go pull some chicken out of the freezer to thaw right now...