Home again

I'm home from the great white north. And there was snow. Snow flurries and plenty of snow already on the ground. Deep enough that Aussie couldn't walk in it because her legs are too short. So she jumped through it like a rabbit. She looked hilarious but was obviously quite happy and having an excellent time.

Time with my family was good. Low key. Relaxing. Lots of laughter and catching up. We had a house full on Christmas Eve (our traditional night to gather and celebrate and open gifts). I got sleep (as much as possible...but wow insomnia sucks). But I came to the scary realization that all my freakish habits and behaviors are probably inherited. I'm so much like my mom's side of the family it's disturbing. I could practically predict what people were going to do because I would do it if I were them. I am obviously my mother's daughter, and there is no doubt that we are all related (not that there ever was, but it was made quite obvious to me this time that we are all so much alike).

And the amount of food was insane. So much food, and there are still leftovers. I came home with some great recipes, however, that I'm looking forward to making. A few of my friends are having open houses over the next few weeks, so I have ample opportunities to make banana cake or grape salad.

I did take some pictures, and eventually they'll be up on Flickr. Which will be easier to accomplish once I have home internet again [still none because UPS is closed on Monday, the 31st, so I can't get the modem until Jan. 2nd...cranky!].

In the meantime, I'll be furiously housecleaning and preparing for the New Year and company in mid-January during the ALA Midwinter Meeting. And don't forget the New Year's Day Rules!! My aunt tried to send me home with a can of black eyed peas and a can of green beans. I had to swear on the graves of several relatives that I already had some at home before she would let it go. I triple checked before I left because I knew this conversation would happen (again, able to predict behavior because I just know). Instead, she's sending them to my cousin in Florida. And the bizarre tradition of mailing canned goods continues...

So Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!

Happy Holidays!

Well, as luck would have it, I still do not have home internet and the holiday break is upon us. My department at the library will be closed until January 2nd, which means that unless I schlep myself and my laptop to a coffee shop with free wireless, I will be completely without email for a bit (blessing? or curse? I can't decide...). My home DSL is scheduled to be activated on Dec. 27th, but I won't be holding my breath.

Not that it matters, as I'm headed north (technically to the north-west) for a few days. North to a small town where my cell phone reception is spotty, and the chances of wireless internet access is even spottier. But I'll be with family, and taking a much needed break for a bit. There will be lots of food, the dog will be spoiled rotten (even more so) by everyone who sneaks her extra dog biscuits and bits of apple (Grandmother, I'm talking about you!) and lets her up on the couch, there will be snow (yay!), and lots of time to talk and catch up. I haven't seen my family for year, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday! If you're traveling, be safe.

Now back to attempting to look like I'm doing work on the day before a week and a half holiday break!

Falling UP a set of stairs

A "how-to"

1. Make sure said stairs have a lip at the front edge

2. Make sure you are in a hurry

3. Make sure you are carrying an armload of stuff (such as back volumes of journals or a bunch of gifts/packages/bags)

4. As you are going up the stairs, catch the tip of the toe of your shoe on the front lip of the stair

5. Fall forward ("up" the stairs), bashing your knee(s) into the stairs in the process

6. Two options: partial fall (6a) or full-on fall (6b)

6a. Don't fully go down, just bash one knee, but manage to stop "falling up" by catching yourself, getting your other foot under you and onto the next step, and continuing up the stairs in a kind of half-run until you regain control

6b. Fully fall forward, bashing BOTH knees, spilling said armload of stuff all over the stairs and having to use your hands to stop your forward fall and to prevent your face from hitting the stairs. Compose yourself briefly by sitting on the stairs, then gather belongings and continue on, limping slightly.

You have now successfully fallen up a set of stairs.

For full effect, make sure to do this in front of a large number of people, preferably frantic and stressed out students during final exam time, or, alternately, frantic and stressed out shoppers with toddlers in tow the weekend before the Christmas holidays.

It's time to go home...

The internets are trying to tell me so.

I'm trying to find the webpage for a journal. I link to one of the many associations "official" page from a publisher site and this is what I get:

You have reached the end of the internet, please go back.

The end of the internet...yup, time to go home.

Death of the elevators

Well, the game of elevator roulette is no more. They are dead. ALL THREE elevators at this end of the library are dead. Apparently there was a power surge that toasted the control panels last week. And we have no idea when they will be fixed, but probably not until after the new year.

They opened several stairways down to the staff only area of the ground floor (basement), but the stairs in the library are confusing in general. I'm still figuring out which stairway will dump me where depending on the floor I'm exiting on. I've now taken the both newly opened stairways down (we have to show ID to a security person to keep out the riff-raff) and have ended up in very different places. I got so turned around the first time I practically needed to ask for directions and there are only two options, left or right! It's an adventure, really.

But this still means having to leave plenty of extra time to navigate the detours when heading to the bathrooms.

UPDATE (1:45 PM): There's a big sign on the elevator doors saying they are out of order and instructing people to use the elevators at the other end of the building.

I just watched a patron walk up to the elevator, stand directly in front of it, push the button, and then wait.
Me: Excuse me, these elevators are out of order. You need to use the ones at the other end of the building.
Patron: Oh.
Me: Sorry for the inconvenience.
Patron: Oh! There's a sign! I didn't see that. [was staring at the closed doors with the sign on them expectantly not 5 seconds ago]

Um...yeah. Just proves that we can post as many signs as we want, but we can't make them read them.

My missing patience revisited

[Note: I still don't have home internet, so I'm writing this sitting in a Starbucks. Coffee=good. Lack of home internet=bad. But I'm making do.]

There's been some confusion about my previous blog post regarding my missing patience. Some people have thought it's about the individual I had the argument with (whether they told me directly of not). It's not. Really. What the argument did for me was illustrate in perfect clarity a pattern of behavior I've practiced my whole life in personal relationships of all kinds. I can give you examples all the way back to 4th grade, probably earlier if I think about it. A couple of examples from college in particular stand out. My last relationship is also a nice strong example. And it's not healthy behavior.

I want people to be happy. Unfortunately, for me this typically means I spend a large amount of time trying to make sure of that. I've pussyfooted around issues so people don't get upset. I've spent time trying to figure out how to say things so I don't upset people. Lots and lots of time. Strategizing if you will. And then worrying about it even after the fact.

Usually I do this at the expense of my own happiness. I don't say things or tell people how I really feel because I want them to be happy, even when it makes me miserable to keep my mouth shut. Instead, I put everyone else first, respecting how they feel before I respect my own feelings.

I spend all this time working at not upsetting people, listening to people b*tch about each other behind their backs, and I try to keep the peace between them all. I don't raise the issues I have in situations, rather I just try and let them go, no matter how much they bother me. I don't complain when I'm put in the middle of things, even though I hate it (and it happens more often than I care to admit). I've found myself part of things I think are mean (often aimed at others), and then I spend more time trying to get out of it without upsetting the very people that put me there, much less the other person (or people) unknowingly involved. I spend time trying to smooth things over in (misguided?) attempts to prevent drama I can see coming a mile away. I don't say what I mean or tell people how I really feel so as to not create more drama. I don't stand up for myself, all because I'm working hard at to make sure everyone is happy. I swallow my feelings instead, keeping my mouth shut.

I did that with the friend I talked about, among countless others dating back to before puberty. I swore after my last relationship that I'd stop doing it. And the argument my friend and I had illustrated for me that a), I'm still doing it, and b), the complete futility of it all. That's what it was, an illustration. An illustration of how all this work and time I put in trying to make sure people are happy seems to always backfire on me. So this time I didn't back down, I stood up for myself and said exactly how I felt, without worrying about upsetting them. All because my patience this week has gone missing and things I have let go of in the past (or just swallowed in an attempt to keep the peace) I just couldn't seem to let go of this week.

Ultimately, I've lost patience with it completely, now that I've taken a good hard look at my own behaviors. I just can't do this, this putting everyone else before me. This spending time trying to prevent drama or keep people happy. I try to keep the peace, and I end up getting sh*t upon for it. I end up blindsided by people I thought were my friends. And while they b*tched at me and I listened and didn't say anything and tried to keep the peace, apparently that doesn't always work the other way around. And when I speak my mind I feel judged by the very same people. I end up getting blamed for things that I had nothing to do with, end up responsible for things that don't actually involve me, or end up in the middle of things because I didn't object. All so I could try and keep the peace and make sure everyone was happy.

Really what that post ended up being about is that my patience with my own patterns of behavior has gone missing. And I don't necessarily thing that's a bad thing. It may mean I lose a few friends as a result, but as I said in that post, if they are truly my friends they'll love me anyway and support me the way I've tried to support them and will continue to support them. Because I really do want people to be happy. But I just can't do it anymore at the expense of my time and my own happiness. I don't have to agree with people's choices, I can respect them, and if they make them happy, great. I'll support you as much as I can. I will support you if it's what you want, if it's what you believe will make you happy, whether I agree with it or not. Because it's not my life. My job as your friend is to support you in your life. But when it involves or impacts my life and my feelings I can't do that anymore. I have to respect myself first.

But if you see my patience regarding work situations, do please send it back my way. My tongue hurts from all the holes I've been biting in it during my attempts to not piss people off when it could (and should) be avoided.

AAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

It doesn't end.
It.
just.
doesn't.
end.

I have now talked to four, count them, FOUR, different people at AT&T about canceling my DSL so I can make the switch to Verizon. I have now heard FOUR different versions of what is happening.

The short story, as of last night at 6pm, my DSL still wasn't fully canceled, only "suspended."

To recap: I called the end of November to cancel my DSL. This is what I was told: the order will be processed FULLY on Dec. 7th (last billing day). And they confirmed, when I asked three different times, that it would be canceled. There would no longer be DSL on my phone line at all. No signal at all. Period. Great, as that's what I want. They give me my confirmation number and the call ends.

So on Monday (12/10) or Tuesday (12/11), I check my account online to verify that everything is fine. AT&T Worldnet Internet Services no longer exists. In fact, if you look at my online account, it looks as if I've never had DSL service at all.

And then it goes horribly wrong. Yesterday I got a letter from Verizon telling me they still couldn't process my order. Confused, I call to find out what's up. Funny thing, on their end, from the technical side, AT&T actually hasn't shut off my DSL. The signal is still there on the line. Mind you, I don't have home internet access, haven't for a full week now, so I really don't understand what's going on. All my information says it's off. So I set it up for Verizon to call me back today (Friday, 12/14) and I call AT&T again to find out what's up.

I call AT&T, go through the menus to talk to a person in whatever department handles cancellations, but before I can even GET to a person, I get disconnected. Great.

I call AT&T back, go through the menus AGAIN, and this time actually get to a person. In billing. I explain the situation (at this point I'm still polite), and they tell me that according to their information, my account is suspended and it's up to the tech support people to actually fully cancel the signal. They've done their part in billing.

They transfer me to tech support.

The person I talk to in tech support has NO RECORD of an order to cancel my DSL in their system. On their end they don't see any evidence of my DSL being suspended, or any request to cancel my service. None. Nada. No evidence at all. WTF?!?! So I give them my confirmation number so they can find the order, which they do, and then they tell me that it's really the responsibility of the billing department. There's nothing for them to do in tech support. Uh huh. They offer to transfer me back to billing, so I can try again to find out what's going on.

During the transfer back to billing, I get disconnected. No sh*t.

So I call AT&T back yet again, go through the f*cking menus yet again, and get to a person. At this point I'm no longer polite, in fact, I'm downright rude. I demand to speak directly to a supervisor. I'm told a supervisor is not available, but they can help me. I tell them that no, I don't think you can, I want to speak to a manager. I explain my situation. This guy now tells me something different. Something I haven't heard before from any of the three people I've already talked to about this. Apparently my account was only suspended on Dec. 7th at 7:00AM EST (that date and time is very very important), and it takes 3 to 5 business days for it to be fully canceled. I tell him that this is the first time I've heard that. What I was told before is very very different. And that he needs to fix it now, because it's been over three business days. And in fact, Friday morning (12/14) at 7:01AM, is 5 business days. And if tech support has no f*cking record of any order at all, how exactly is this going to happen?! He has no answer or explanation for that one. Big surprise. He asks me to be polite, I tell him to go to hell, I've been polite, and yet this is the FOURTH phone call I've had to make to get the simple act of canceling my DSL completed and I've now been told four different stories, three of them from the same g-ddamn department, his department, billing. So I'm not going to be polite anymore and I really don't care (not to mention yesterday's post about my patience going missing).

I then confirm THREE TIMES that as of 7:01AM EST on 12/14 (today) my DSL should be fully canceled. He's obviously losing patience with me, and I tell him that I just want to be completely clear because obviously things have not been made clear in the other THREE phone calls I've made about this. I also want it on record, more than once, what I'm being told, so that if it doesn't happen I have ammunition to sue them. I demand to speak to a manager again, and am told that there isn't one available, but he can put in a request for one to call me back in 24 to 48 hours. I tell him to not waste his f*cking time, and hang up.

I'm convinced at this point that I should have just paid AT&T the over $200 early termination fee. Because it's taken no less than THREE phone calls on average to get anything done with them during the past year. For them to FIX things. No less than three phone calls for each separate issue. I shouldn't have to call more than once. I can confidently say at this point I will do anything in my power to avoid ever being an AT&T customer again. In any state. Ever. They are absolutely positively the WORST company I have ever dealt with. Frankly, I'd sooner go without a phone than sign up for service with them again.

And you know, I bet that if I had just not paid my DSL service bill my service would have been canceled immediately. No 3 to 5 business day bullsh*t I'd bet.

Oh where oh where has my patience gone...

Oh where oh where can it be?

Has anyone seen my patience lately? Anyone?

Normally I'm a very patient person. I can deal with bullsh*t for hours on end, sometimes weeks, without losing it. I roll with the punches and adapt. I can cut people an enormous amount of slack. This week, however, that is NOT the case. I have no patience. Things I might normally be able to just ignore are irritating me to no end this week. I can't be troubled to pussyfoot around and dress things up nicely so they don't upset people. I can't be troubled to just deal with things. I have no patience for anyone or anything. On more than one occasion this week I've thought about how nice it would be to be able to reach through the computer and smack some sense into people. I'm tired, I'm a bit on the cranky side, and frankly I really just don't care. I'm all for calling people out on the carpet for their bullsh*t, no matter if it upsets them or not. I'm going to speak my mind, consequences apparently be dammed.

I may have caused some damage to a friendship that was already a bit tenuous at best, but I wasn't going to let the person play revisionist history and heap guilt on me. So I called them out for their bullsh*t and put my foot down. If they can't take it, well, I'm done coddling them and playing nice. I refuse to be walked over any longer or waste my time trying not to upset them instead of being honest and telling it like it is. No patience for the pussyfooting around anymore. None.

Now, I realize that this is not necessarily a good thing in all situations. For some, like with the individual in question above, I think it's a good thing. It's not my problem if they can't handle blunt honesty from me at this point as trying to be nice about it was obviously a waste of my time. I'm not being mean (admittedly, they may disagree), nor do I want to be mean, but I'm not going to spend my time being patient and nice anymore. I have better things to do with my time. But I know that it's not necessarily appropriate in all situations, such as work.

Unfortunately, since my patience is currently missing, it's taking a lot of extra effort on my part to make sure I don't cross that line, which is partly why I'm so tired. On more than a few occasions this week I've had to rewrite entire emails several times to remove the snarkiness and so I didn't end up just sounding mean. Because I'm really not a mean person and I don't want to be mean. I also don't want to commit career suicide or piss people off when it can (or should) be avoided.

I still subscribe to the belief that each person has to live their own life, and it's not my place to tell them what that life should or should not be. I respect people's feelings and perspectives/opinions. To each their own. But I just don't have the patience anymore when it affects me and my life. I don't have the patience when it makes a friendship extra work and I spend time worrying about upsetting them and I don't say what I believe/feel because of it. I'm not going to let them get away with obvious bullsh*t.

My best friend congratulated me on growing a spine and standing up for myself and what I'm feeling. She reminded me that if they're truly my friend, they'll love me anyway and know that I wouldn't say anything just to hurt them or just to be mean. I'm honest because they need to know that their behavior is affecting others (including me), or that their behavior is inappropriate or harmful to themselves, and they should hear it from a friend who really does care about them as an individual and truly honestly just wants them to be happy. But I'm also not going to put up with their crap as it's just too much work anymore. I don't have the patience for it.

Still, if you see my patience, please send it back this way. And soon. I promise, I've learned when it's appropriate to use that patience (work), and when to grow that spine.

Sparse posting for the next week

So, if you didn't notice, I didn't post over the weekend. And you'll probably see sparse posting from me for the next week.

See, the switch from AT&T to Verizon is underway. But the service change means I'm without home internet access for a bit. I had to turn my access off through AT&T before the switch to Verizon could happen. That happened this past Friday, Dec. 7th (end of the AT&T billing cycle for simplicity's sake). No internet access at home over the weekend. Good thing I didn't need to find an address or phone number!

But my phone service should be switched to Verizon today, and my order for DSL will be processed once that is complete. It will then take anywhere from 5 to 10 business days before my new hardware shows up and my internet access activated. They're saying probably closer to 5 days, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

In the meantime...anyone have a current copy of the yellow pages in paper?? I'm not sure where mine is...or if I ever even had one for Philly...

Winter attacks!

Between the freezing rain on Sunday, the wind on Monday and Tuesday, and the snow today, I think it's safe to say that winter is attacking. The snow that's been coming down for most of the day is sticking to most surfaces...a nice wet snow. It's beautiful. I love how it transforms everything into a white wonderland, covering up all the city grime. All day my friend and colleague KS has been practically dancing in her chair (you can read about her excitement on her blog). I have to admit snow really makes it feel like winter for me too. It makes me want to snuggle up in the house with a steaming mug of hot cocoa after a cold walk in the snow with the dog.

Speaking of Aussie, here is a description of what she sounds like when out in the snow:

snuffle snuffle snuffle
foof! [sharp exhale sending an explosion of snow into the air around her nose]
snuffle snuffle
foof!
snort
snuffle snuffle...

And then she attacks it. No joke. Attacks the snow. Hates the rain. Not too fond of the cold either, she takes care of business pretty quickly when it's chilly out. Unless there's snow involved. Then she must inspect every. single. pile. of. snow. And nothing can make her hurry up. Not even me imploring her because my toes are getting cold. She's in the land o' snow and is lost to the rest of the world.

snuffle snuffle snuffle
foof!
[sneeze]
snuffle snuffle...

Side note: this post marks one full year of blogging for me. My blog is ONE YEAR OLD. That's longer than I've ever managed to keep a journal or diary before...guess I really did form that habit after all.

Elevator roulette

We have three elevators at my end of the building at work. Three. One dedicated for staff use only, that only goes between the first floor and the ground floor. The other two are general public use, and you have to use a key to access the ground floor because they open into a staff-access only area. There are no open stairways that lead to this end of the staff-access only area. At any given time, two of these three elevators may not be working properly.

A colleague aptly described the staff use only elevator as "chronically ill" in a meeting this morning. There are times you get on it, push the button, the doors close, but you don't move. It just doesn't go anywhere. So you push the doors open button and get out on the same floor you got on. Other times it moves but the doors don't open at your destination. Or you try to call the elevator, the button lights up, but the elevator doesn't move. There's even a plaque in that staff elevator commemorating when President Gerald Ford got trapped in it!

As for the public use elevators, generally one of the two isn't functioning. Usually because the doors won't shut properly. Again, you can get on, push a button, but you don't go anywhere. Or you'll call the elevator to, say, go down (with your key, mind you), and both will arrive, but because the lighted arrows at the top of each elevator don't work properly, you can't tell which is going up and which is going down (both light up). I can't tell you how many times I've just taken a ride because I got on the wrong one. And you can't take these elevators to the 6th floor...you have to use the ones at the other end of the building. If you do try to take the ones at my end of the building to the 6th floor, the doors do open, but they open into a locked cage that you can't get out of from the inside (so I've been told...and I have no desire to find out, thankyouverymuch).

At this point, I'm inclined to make sure I take my cell phone with me whenever I ride the elevator just in case I get stuck.

And make sure you leave extra time if you have to go to the bathroom. There are no bathrooms on the first floor (could someone explain this to me? how is that good design??). You either have to go down to the staff area on the ground floor, or up to the third floor for bathrooms on this end of the building. They exist on the second floor, but only at the other end. And God forbid you get stuck in an elevator (or waiting for an elevator) on your way...

Phone resolution

Who knew a simple dial tone without static could make me so happy. And that it would take so long for me to get it in this day and age. It's not like phone service is new or anything.

The cable technician came to inspect my lines today. And determined that I indeed had a bad stretch of cable. So for about an hour I had nothing (no dial tone, just silence...it was kind of spooky, actually) while he took out the old cable and put up new. And I've had a stable non-static filled line ever since. He even called to let me know that the maintenance was complete and that should fix the problem, confirming again that it was a cable problem.

So this confirms it. I wasn't crazy. I didn't deserve the insults, being talked down to, or the full year I've been fighting with AT&T to actually make someone come look at my exterior lines. And now that I've made them pay for the repairs, I'm leaving them and switching my service providers, effective Friday. Because they don't deserve any more of my money or time. They've taken enough of both thankyouverymuch.

Confusion...but I'm not crazy!

So, um, the technician that I scheduled for Monday morning showed up on Saturday mid-day. Yup. Apparently he got the order early so he showed up. Great. Finally my lines are going to be looked at. And they're early. Even better. Maybe sobbing on the phone got to them and they're actually trying to apologize by doing right for once as opposed to just saying sorry a zillion times for their screw up. [I know...wishful thinking...but stranger things have happened!]

First the bad news. He looked at my line coming to the house, and my connection isn't great, and the line needs to be replaced. He tried switching me temporarily to different connectors, but that didn't help matters any. There's something wrong between the tower and the connection at my house. Presumably the copper wire is exposed somewhere along there, which is why I have problems during inclement weather. But there's nothing the technician can do. He's referred the problem to the team that does maintenance on the lines, and they'll probably have to replace them. But in the meantime, I have to live with the static on my line and the intermittent DSL signal that results from the static. Fabulous.

The good news in all of this? I'm not crazy! On several occasions they tried to tell me that it was a problem with the lines in my walls, which is why I had such a hard time convincing them to send someone out to look at the lines coming into the house. The technician confirmed that no, that's not the problem, it really is a problem OUTSIDE, which is why it only happens during inclement weather conditions like rain. And why the static clears up after a few days...the lines finally dry out. So I was right. After all the phone calls, the insults, the problems, the technician confirmed that I was right all along. It's their problem, not mine. The exterior lines are their responsibility. And they will be fixed, hopefully soon now that the issue has been identified.

So I consider this a victory. Even though I have to live with the issue a bit longer, still, it's now clearly their problem. And I'm not crazy. W00T!

And my line is surprisingly stable today. We're having a winter storm and everything is freezing (snow, freezing rain, slick sidewalks, the works). The line must be frozen...I wonder if the ice helps conduct the signal...or maybe it's just not wet anymore because the moisture froze up...frankly, I don't care. All I know is that it's stable for the first time in a week!!

World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day. There's a portion of the AIDS Memorial Quilt hanging in the library where I work right now. I went and stood in front of it the other day. Just stood there. It's humbling. This single panel, just 12 feet square, is so much more than it's fabric...it's pure emotion. Completely overwhelming to stand there and feel and know what it means. And frightening to realize just how many people are affected by this disease. Just how many lives have been touched around the world. There are over 91,000 names on that quilt. And that's just a small percentage (less than 20%) of those that have died. There are millions of people living with the disease worldwide.

I can tell you exactly when I learned about the disease. I was in junior high. Twelve years old. My parents sat me down and told me that the father of a friend was dying. Of AIDS. And that no one knew but a few people so I couldn't talk about it. And that none of our friends at school were being told out of fear of their reaction, and fear that my friend and her family would be shunned or subject to hate and other fear prompted reactions. I was the only one that knew it was AIDS. Prejudices and fear were rampant, as it just wasn't understood. How people got it wasn't even fully understood. Treatment options were limited back then. We didn't know much, and could really only offer support for symptoms. Fighting the disease wasn't really an option yet. Over the next year his condition deteriorated, and he died. It was painful to watch, and to know what was really going on but unable to talk about it. I was never told how, but in the mid to late 1980s, we were still learning about it, so it could have been any number of ways. The rest of his family was tested, including my friend. Fortunately, none of them had contracted the disease.

I know it was so hard on my friend. We'd known the family for years, which is why we knew what was really going on. And I was told because my parents knew that my friend needed someone to talk to, and that I wouldn't tell anyone or judge them because of it. I know it was scary, for all of us. We didn't really understand, and it was a steep learning curve for everyone. And it was sobering, to be 12 and 13 years old and watch someone die from a terrible disease. My great-grandfather had died of cancer when I was 3, but I don't really remember. Every other death up to that point had been more sudden like a heart attack, or they were older relatives like my great-grandmother. But this was a young man...a parent...and it was hard to comprehend. I know for awhile my friend didn't believe it. She was in denial. But once she accepted it, she had a really hard time.

I had a hard time looking at the Quilt. It reminded me so much of that time. Of how people are affected, how his family's lives were affected. I remembered my friend sobbing in my arms in the hallway at school the first time she realized she'd never get to tell her dad about her prom, or her first year of high school. He'd be gone before then. And I feel all the emotions I felt as a 12 year old girl: fear, anger, sadness, confusion, hurt...

And then I get angry. Angry when I think about how people don't think it's real, and don't protect themselves. Or judge those that are living with HIV or dying of AIDS due to ignorance or hate. So take care of yourself and your family. Protect yourself. It's real. It's not going away. So today, World AIDS Day, think about the over 33 MILLION people worldwide that have HIV or AIDS. Think about their families, their friends, who's lives are changed because of it forever. And then figure out what you can do to make a difference, even if it's just simply educating yourself or making a donation.