Neglect

Dear blog,

I know I've been neglecting you. I just haven't got much to say.

Actually, that's not true. I have much to say, just none of it I can say here. Let's run down some topics, shall we?

*Work (i.e. day to day): I can't talk about what's really going on. I WON'T talk about it. I refuse to think about it outside of when I'm actually at work these days.

*Career: going swimmingly. Really. I've been achieving a lot of goals recently that I had set as "sometime in the future" goals. As in, I never expected to achieve them already. I'm young, and I know it. The struggle now is accepting the positive reinforcement and accolades from colleagues and believing I can actually succeed now that I am where I am career wise (i.e. silencing the "don't f*ck it up" voice in my head).

*Dating: MEH. Just a big ol' MEH. Online dating sucks. It really does. It's going nowhere. It's to the point that lately I can't even muster the energy or interest to log in and check my account. I contact people, they don't respond. Meanwhile, those that do contact me obviously haven't even read my profile.

*Philly: I've been here for 4 years now. FOUR YEARS. I've come to the conclusion that I don't love Philly, and never will. Some (most?) days I don't even like Philly. I just don't feel at home here. I feel like I'm a half step off from the rest of the city. Like I'm out of sync.

*General: Lately I feel like I'm just passing the time, keeping myself busy. Cooking. Doing counted cross stitch. Reading. Hanging out on the balcony with my cat. Listening to the radio. Just functioning on a day to day basis. Trying to keep myself from dwelling on the negative ('cause there's a lot of it). Trying to accept that this is how things are for me right now and hope that things will change for the better sometime soon. Trying to believe that something has to give. The universe has got to throw me a bone soon. Some days are definitely better than others. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and taking one day at time.

So that's that. Not much I can or want to talk about. So, blog, my apologies for the neglect, but for now, that's just the way it's gonna be.

Love,
Me

Low-Car Diet Challenge surprises

I've been doing the ZipCar Low-Car Diet Challenge for a month now (we're coming to the end!), and I've had a few surprises.

1. I really had no *need* for my car the entire month. In fact, I was trying to come up with reasons to even use a ZipCar. I was able to get everything I needed either by foot, bike, or public transit. Yes, things took longer, but it was actually more enjoyable to not be stressed out driving in the city. I could relax. I was able to see more of the city that way, too, observe my surroundings and see things I may not have noticed before. Yes, being stuck on the bus that's the proverbial "slow boat to China" on a Friday afternoon was less than ideal, but I just put on my iPod, relaxed, looked out the window, and made mental notes about things I saw that I may want to go back and visit at a later date.

2. It's forced me to be more relaxed about things. This actually is the opposite of what I expected. I expected to have to plan more strictly. What I found is that while I have to plan ahead, I also have to be more relaxed about the outcome of those plans. Adhering to a strict schedule wasn't realistic. So it forced me to relax and just be. To just sit and be in the moment while riding the bus/trolley. This is a good thing for me, really.

3. Pooling resources and running errands with friends is much more enjoyable than doing it alone. Getting a few friends together when I actually needed the car was both more economical (theoretically we would have split the cost if it wasn't for the generous ZipCar credits!) and fun. Made the errands less onerous and gave us an excuse to hang out for awhile. I liked running my errands that way.

4. The concerns I had at the beginning never really became reality. I never "missed" the convenience of using my own car. I never felt restricted or worried that I couldn't access a vehicle (there were so many available!). Nor did I really miss my personal vehicle. That has really surprised me. For all the time I've spent in my reliable Subaru (multiple cross country trips, etc.), I didn't miss it, or miss driving it, or miss even being in it. I didn't miss being in a car at all, in fact. I didn't feel that I had lost that sense of freedom I've always associated with a vehicle. If anything, I ended up feeling more free because I didn't have to worry about all the stuff that comes with just owning a vehicle. And that was the biggest surprise of all.

So now I'm faced with the decision of whether or not to sell my car. And contrary to what I thought at the beginning, I really can let it go and become officially a car-free individual. I don't feel the attachment to or need for my own personal vehicle anymore. It's time to move on in life without a car. Of course, whether or not I'm actually successful in selling my car remains to be seen, but that's another post for a later date.

Trying something new

Today I tried something new. I used a ZipCar for the first time. And it was great. It was easy. It was even fun.

I needed to run some errands, specifically I needed cat supplies (food and litter). So I asked a couple of friends that I know don't have cars if they had any errands they needed to run and wanted to come with me. Turns out one friend, EM, needed to go to Ikea, and Plum and Seuss needed pet supplies AND a trip to Ikea. A plan was born. I figured having friends along might make the errands much more fun, too (and I was right!).

I made the reservation on Saturday evening for the following afternoon. There were several cars nearby to choose from, and I decided on a Mazda 3 4-door sedan. Plenty of car options. I liked how the system showed me when a car was available, and when it was already reserved, so I could choose one that gave me plenty of flexibility. Seeing the whole day laid out allowed me to pick my time so I wasn't butting up against someone else's reservation.

We all met at the car on Sunday afternoon, and just like that we were on our way! The car took a bit of getting used to (hello, jerky stop and start), but once I got the hang of how it handled, it ended up being really fun to drive. I've been so used to my Subaru it was striking to drive a different car. And I enjoyed it.

We went to PetSmart for supplies, and then on to Ikea for a late lunch and some wandering. I had given us lots of time so we didn't have to rush. Still, despite my generous reservation, we realized we weren't going to make it. The lines at Ikea were insane (way worse than normal...guess the horrible humid heat drove everyone inside for the afternoon), and then we hit traffic from the baseball game on our way out. Sitting there in stadium traffic, I started to try and calculate if we had enough time or not.

I had turned on the text alerts, so 30 minutes before the reservation expired ZipCar let me know. We were still sitting in traffic. The text alert helpfully told me how much longer the car was available (i.e. when the next reservation started). We had plenty of time to extend the reservation. So I had my friend EM text ZipCar back to extend by 30 minutes. A couple of seconds later we got a confirmation, DONE. No problem. It was so incredibly easy and convenient, and instantly I was able to relax and stop stressing. I love that not only did the text alert tell me that it was available longer, it even included the instructions on how to text for an extension.

And just to make my ZipCar experience complete, we hit the 1/4 mark on the tank of gas when we were in the home stretch. Since we were passing a couple of gas stations, I figured OK, let's fill 'er up. I used the card provided, plugged in the mileage and my member number, and filled the tank. Easy peasy. Really. Other than the challenge of remember a number long enough to punch it in, it was painless. I dropped off my friends, and returned the car with 10 minutes to spare.

I had never thought that using a car-sharing program would be this easy. It was convenient, simple, and very user-friendly. So kudos to ZipCar. I could get used to this.

A new and car-light approach to shopping

Not using my car has caused me to change the way I shop for pretty much everything.

Before I used to make lots of trips, going to whatever store I needed on any given day. I didn't think twice about running to a store one night, and then the next night driving back to the same shopping area for another errand (either to the same place or one nearby). Each store was viewed as a separate element.

Not so anymore. For example, now my food shopping trips are smaller, more frequent. I also buy less and smaller sizes knowing I have to carry it home myself. I still do the "stocking up" kind of shopping, but in smaller batches. I'll stock up on pasta one trip, and on cereal/grains the next time. It's just more staggered now.

I'm also doing my grocery shopping in different places, places closer to home or convenient to biking/public transit. I do the bulk of my fresh fruit and vegetable shopping at the farmers' market, which is walking distance from home. Things I can't get there (admittedly, there's not much...I even get beans, pasta, milk, meat, cheese and yogurt at the Clark Park farmers' market because it's all kinds of awesome), I get from my neighborhood store (biking and walking distance!) or by taking the trolley down to Trader Joe's.

It's actually impacting my approach to eating as well. It's no longer easy to stock up on frozen meals/ice-cream/anything (they'd never make it home in the humid Philly summer heat!), so I'm being forced to eat only fresh or make my own frozen meals. Refrigerated goods travel in a soft sided insulated bag. I talked about the general shift I've made to eating fresh foods in this post, but the having to make changes to how and when I shop has only solidified my shift to primarily fresh and homemade foods. Ice cream I'm making myself, thanks to the Christmas gift from my grandmother of the ice cream bowl for my KitchenAid stand mixer (which rocks, FYI). Frozen dinners are now portioned out and frozen servings of homemade soups, stews and other meals. And believe you me, it all tastes SO much better when it's homemade.

Frankly, shifting the way I shop for food was easy. I was already half way there thanks to my CSA (I signed up for a summer 1/2 share) and the close proximity of the farmers' market.

The challenges I'm finding to this new approach to shopping are things that I have to buy in larger quantities, such as cat litter, and bulky items, such as paper towels. I'm also having to plan trips more. No longer am I running to the same shopping area more than once in a week. Now I'm waiting until I have a major list of things before I hit the stores. Now I'm planning so I go to multiple places at once. And making lists so I don't forget anything. There's no just hopping back in the car to retrieve what I forgot. Shopping trips are no longer viewed as a individual elements (each store individually), but rather one big trip with multiple pieces.

I'm coming up on the need to run errands for cat food, cat litter, and other such items that require a trip farther away than my bike can take me (and for not really bike friendly purchases) and not really accessible by public transit. Since I've never done this before, I'm planning my trip for Sunday and will most likely grossly overestimate the amount of time I'll need. Ah well. It's a learning process, right?

Is this balance?

So the weekend started with my massive disappointment in which I did not get NIN tickets despite being "in line waiting" before they even went on sale. Reportedly all the NYC shows sold out in 10 minutes.

The weekend then moved into the "are you f*cking kidding me" phase. We had a massive thunderstorm. Truly massive. The drains outside couldn't handle it. I even went out in the rain and removed debris from the drain to help and there still was a good 1 inch of water. The drain just couldn't keep up with the deluge. It rained like that for a good hour before it finally let up. When I went downstairs to go to bed (given my bedroom being in the finished basement), I thought the carpet felt a little squishy. So I leaned down to see what was up with my hand.

It was wet. WET CARPET IN MY BEDROOM. Clearly the deluge had overloaded the drains and the water table and the runoff had ended up in my bedroom, soaking part of my carpet. It had come in at one place along the wall, and then pooled under my bed. So I gathered up all the rag towels I had and started spreading them everywhere, lifting up the corner of the bed to put it under the bedposts. I also had to move my mattress to lift up the center support beam and put a towel under that leg given that was where the most of the water was. Much cursing was involved, and I think I bruised my knee banging it against the edge of the bed. Given that it was now midnight, there wasn't much more I could do so I collapsed into bed.

Then came the balance part of my weekend. My landlord was planning on coming by on Saturday to finish some repairs. Granted, several of these were repairs that should have been done 6 months ago (the end of the bedroom leak saga), but the timing ended up actually being a good thing. I was able to call her before she was on her way and let her know about the deluge induced bedroom flood, giving her time to find a wet-vac.

Saturday I had plans to meet up with my friend EM and hit the farmers' market in Clark Park and get breakfast tacos and Stumptown iced coffee from Honest Tom's taco truck. She arrived the same time as my landlord with the handyman (a different one this time...seemed to know more what he was doing, which made me very happy). I walked my landlord and the handyman through the apartment, reviewing everything that needed to be done to make sure we were all on the same page. Then EM and I headed out for breakfast and the farmers' market.

We returned a couple of hours later, bellies full of yummy breakfast tacos and bags of fresh farmers' market goods in hand, to find they were finishing up. They had to run out for a quick part to fix the toilet downstairs (the handle was being held to the plunger with a safety pin! which I discovered when it rusted through the other day), but otherwise they were done. Wow. The drywall mudding was done on the ceiling patches. He fixed the vent on my dryer that the gas company f-ed up recently. They had wet-vac-ed the bedroom, even putting the wet towels in the dryer. They moved my dehumidifier and my box fan in there to finish the drying process. Part of the carpet was still damp, where the most water had pooled, but certainly no longer soaked. They were really and truly done, the repairs completed in ONE visit as planned. This is new. I like it.

So EM and I headed back out to walk her bike down to the local shop (Firehouse Bicycles) to get a flat tire fixed. While we were sipping some nice iced coffees (from Satellite Cafe) and sitting in the park on the grass waiting for the flat repair to be finished, my landlord called to tell me they had finished replacing the flushing valve and handle and were now completely done. Miracles never cease.

EM and I had a lovely day. One random activity just kind of flowed into the other, no schedule, no plan, culminating in a gathering at Miss Plum's place for some grilling. The weather was gorgeous. The day overall was quite relaxing.

I'm guessing the lovely day was the balance for the hellish evening the day before. Went from high stress/frustration/anger to calm and relaxed. I'm not sure I like this flip-flopping stuff.

So, Universe, can we not do this one extreme to the other and instead just have some even-keel for awhile? I'd really appreciate it.

Learning to live without a car

I signed up to participate in a 30 day challenge sponsored by Zipcar to learn to live car free. The Low-Car Diet Challenge 2009. It just started, and there's been a couple of articles in the Philadelphia Inquirer about it already (including this one that I'm quoted in!).

My reasons for participating are varied, and I'm going to attempt to explain them a bit here.

1. Owning a car is expensive. Seriously. My insurance alone is $100 a month, plus annual tag and inspection fees (2 inspections!), plus maintenance such as oil changes, etc. Yeah. It adds up. If you average it out over a 12 month period, just owning my car, even without monthly payments since it's paid off, costs me about $130 per month, and I'm not including tolls and gas. Add in the gas, parking fees and/or passes, and any tolls when I do drive and it just keeps climbing. I only drive once, maybe twice a month, to run errands. I'm not sure that's the best return on investment...wouldn't you agree?

2. Driving in and around Philadelphia is a pain in the butt. And that's an understatement. Parking is a pain (plus the fees). Traffic is a pain. Routes tend to be convoluted rather than direct due to one-way streets, construction, etc. so navigating is a pain. Trying to drive in Center City is an exercise in breathing so I don't lose my mind. And don't get me started on the constant traffic present on the interstates through and around the city.

3. Environmental concerns. This reason shouldn't surprise anyone. Not driving is better for the environment. Duh. It means less oil, less pollution, less resources used. But it's also the ambient environment. Fewer cars means less noise (engines plus car horns from annoyed drivers), less congestion, and a safer place to live.

4. Health. Clearly by biking and/or walking I'm getting exercise. When I moved to Philly and started biking to and from work (only 2 miles in each direction), I dropped almost 20 pounds in about 10 months. Startling. But clearly the exercise is a good thing for me. Anything to help me continue to get that regular exercise is a very good thing.

But I also have some concerns about living without a car.

1. Emergencies. This is my biggest fear. My family is scattered all over the country, as are my friends. I have my cat. So I have a little worry in the back of my head about being able to get somewhere at a moment's notice if needed. I know I have friends that do this without a problem, but the fear is still there.

2. Convenience. OK, so this one is partially laziness. Right now I don't have to plan if I go somewhere. I don't have to plan when to do something, or how much time I think it will take. I just get in my car and go. If I want to go away for the weekend or night I just go. If I'm using a car sharing program, I am restricted to when I can reserve a car and how long I can have it. So clearly I'm going to have to work on budgeting my time and planning.

3. What my car (and having one) means. My car = freedom, independence. On some level I associate having a car with not having to depend on people. I've never lived without one except when living in Argentina for three months many many years ago (and having a car there wasn't a good idea...talk about crazy drivers!). I'm also attached to this particular vehicle emotionally. I've had it for over 11 years. It's gotten me through moves, cross country trips, and countless trips through the Michigan winters to visit family. It's reliable and I feel safe driving it. I'm not sure how I'll be driving multiple vehicles...I'm so used to mine and the way it drives. It's comfortable, like a broken in pair of jeans.

What I'm hoping from this experience is to see if living car free is really something I can do as I'd honestly like to be car free. It's an exercise in thought and learning as much as anything else. It will force me to think about what I do, the choices I make. It will also allow me to explore options, to learn variable routes and other ways I can get places. Philly is a very walkable and bike-able city, and the public transit here is light-years better than most places I've lived. I've been considering going car-free for sometime now because I don't need to use it here in Philly, but I keep stopping at taking that final step of selling my car. Clearly I need to work through some of the feelings I associate with car ownership and letting go of my car and my attachment to it.

It's also difficult to say "I will try living without my car for x number of days" to just myself and not cheat, forget, etc. By participating in the Low-Car Diet Challenge, I can't cheat or forget as I'll have regular reminders. I'm giving my word that I won't use my car, which is a huge impetus to follow through on that promise. Kind of like how it's easier to develop the habit of going to the gym regularly if you're partnering with someone. So I'm partnering with Zipcar to follow through and really learn how to live without my vehicle.

I may discover by the end of this that living without my car is not something I can (or want) to do. Or I could find that it's freeing and decide to take the step of selling my car. Either way, this will be a valuable experience.

It really will be a challenge in a few ways, but I'm up for it. I'll be blogging about it as we go along. Including my experience of using Zipcar for the first time (hopefully this weekend! if I can get my card in time).

Worst. week. EVER.

Let's review the last week:

Monday: returned home from NASIG in the middle of the night. Got up at 8am to go pick up dog from the dogsitter. Realized (through no fault of the dogsitter...they did everything right), that my dog has given up and is refusing to eat and throwing up everything she tries to eat or drink.

Tuesday: spend the day crying and snuggling with my baby dog. That evening I take my dog to the vet to have her put to sleep. I know I made the right decision, but my heart is broken and I am a complete mess. RIP, Aussie. I love you my baby dog, my heart, my love. You will be missed.

Wednesday: not ready to face people. I work from home. Get surprising amount of work done via remote desktop and chat. Nonetheless, my day is interrupted by periodic breakdowns and crying fits. Fortunately the cat doesn't care that I am a puffy-eyed red-nosed mess.

Thursday: go back to work at office. At home I have small war with Windows Easy Transfer to transfer files from old computer to new computer. Three times FAIL.

Friday: work. After work I start the file transfer yet again (almost successful this time, the 4th try, but it lost the connection so didn't complete...partial FAIL). Head down the street to watch the Stanley Cup Finals game 7 with a friend on her porch with some beer, chocolate and pretzels. Watch a very disappointing game (I'm a Red Wings fan and they just didn't play like themselves), and then have nice chat over beers with my friend for several hours. Much needed downtime and chilling.

At 2pm-ish I head home. Find my front door is open and unlocked. WTF? Turns out someone broke in. They jimmied and ultimately busted the lock on my TINY basement bedroom window and wiggled in. ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME?! I'm not sure I could fit through that window. Call police at 2:30am. Call and wake up the property manager (landlord's neice). She tells me they found a 40oz and a backpack on the porch when they came down at 12:30ish am which they threw in the trash. They had been out on the porch until 11:30ish, so in that hour span, the kid broke into my apartment and tossed much of my bedroom. They then left through my front door (out through the kitchen upstairs). Dammit. Wait two hours for police to show up (WTF?) due to some confusion that my apartment is the REAR entrance. Again, are you f*cking kidding me? File police report. Kid apparently came back for the backpack, but the 40oz is still in the trash can. It is now after 5am and I have been up for nearly 24 hours.

Discover that this wasn't the brightest theif. I figure it was a kid who got interrupted by my neighbors coming downstairs (you can hear them coming down the stairs in my apartment). All they got was my high school class ring and a bottle of really good beer from Quebec. Not the iPod sitting on the kitchen counter. Not the laptop(s). Just the ring and the beer. Not the jewelry from the ex-boyfriend, but my class ring. Damn. Why couldn't they have taken the jewelry from the ex-boyfriend or my non-digital non-HD tv? Seriously.

So I hereby declare this past week the worst week ever. What god/goddess did I piss off and how do I make amends? And I think karma now owes me BIG. SO BIG. Wouldn't you agree?

Sigh.

Need a morning do-over

My morning:

Woke up by neighbors doing jumping jacks and running stairs at 5:30am. OK, not sure if that's exactly what they were doing, but it sure sounded like it to me from the noise coming through my ceiling.

Woke up second time at 5 minutes to 7:00am. LATE. Discovered I turned off alarm in half-awake stupor at 5:30am.

Quick shower. Decide hair can go another day before washing (joys of long hair!).

Nearly trip over cat in rush to go get dressed. Get yelled at by cat in response.

Get dressed for bike ride into work, throw work clothes into bag. Hope I picked out matching socks.

Coax dog up out of dog bed and help her up the stairs.

Discover that it's raining. Damn. Go back downstairs to retrieve rain gear for bike ride.

Go into kitchen to let dog out. Discover small army of ants (scouting party?) is marching across my counter.

Let dog out.

Spend 10 minutes killing ants and putting down natural repellent so as not to kill pets.

Let dog in and dry her off.

Pack lunch. Feed dog. Spend 10 minutes coaxing dog to eat more of her breakfast.

Kill a few more ants.

Realize I forgot my watch/rings/earrings. Go back downstairs to bedroom and retrieve.

Put coffee in thermos. Kill more ants (where are they coming from?).

Figure out where ants are coming from and put down line of repellent.

Pack up backpack with lunch/clothes/etc.

Chase cat down and take away Styrofoam packing peanut she's playing with/trying to eat. Get yelled at by her for taking away her "toy/snack".

Spend a few minutes trying to determine where she found said Styrofoam packing peanut. Give up.

Chase cat away from dog food. Try to convince dog to eat a little more. Success!

Put dog in kennel.

Make sure bucket and trash cans are in correct location to catch drips from leak in kitchen ceiling.

Put on rain gear and backpack. Put on bike helmet.

Discover front tire on bike is low on air. Remove helmet. Remove backpack. Hope that air loss isn't due to slow-leaking flat and inflate tire.

Pick up stuff and walk out door. LATE.

Lock door.

Discover that bike helmet is still inside. Curse. Seriously consider giving up on day and just going back to bed.

Unlock door. Retrieve helmet. Leave second time, re-lock door.

Bike ride into work in rain. Nearly get taken out by van turning left in front of me. Taxi cabs are evil and I spend much of my ride NOT in the bike lane because taxi cabs obviously believe they are for loading/unloading fares. At one point have bike lane blocked by poorly parked GIANT SUV and taxi cab. Curse.

Arrive at work. Sweaty from rain gear and evasive bike maneuvers on ride in. Yick.

YAY matching socks!

Get to desk only 20 minutes late. w00t! Go me!

Log-on, open email. Discover I'm attending a meeting for something I know absolutely nothing about. WTF? Will ask boss for clarification shortly.

Finally get to drink coffee and eat banana And hope and pray the day improves.

Out of sync

Lately I've been feeling like one of the items in that Sesame Street song "One of these things (is not like the others)". The one that does't belong. I don't feel like I quite fit anywhere these days. I don't feel I fit in my (new) department at work. I don't feel I fit in this city. I don't even feel like I fit in my own apartment (the repairs are still not completed...with no plan or end in sight). I'm not even sure I fit in my own skin these days. I just feel out of sync with everything. It's very disconcerting and frustrating.

What's even more frustrating, I can't figure out how to bring things in sync or even put my finger on why I don't feel I fit in some cases. I can't tell you what it is about Philly that feels not quite right to me. And I'm trying to reconcile what I want in my life with the reality of what my life is right now. They aren't in agreement, so I have to figure out how to make them blend. Or figure out if they don't blend, how to adjust my wants with the current reality so they aren't so in conflict. I need to figure out how to bring myself back in sync.

I have a lot of decisions to make lately. About friendships and relationships. My job. My physical location. Reevaluating what I've thought I wanted in my life for a long time and determining if I still want those things of if they've changed. And if I do still want them, making some decisions about how to achieve them and incorporate them into my current reality.

The one thing I am sure about is the career I've chosen. I just returned from the ALA Midwinter Meeting (in Denver, CO this year) and it did reinvigorate my love for my career. In talking with colleagues and attending meetings and sessions, it confirmed that I do fit with the area of librarianship I've chosen. I needed that little piece of reassurance in the midst of feeling so unsure about everything else.

For now, I'm going to make myself a cup of black tea (British style, with a splash of raw milk in it from the farmers' market), and think. I'm not ready to make any decisions about anything; I suppose recognizing that is a step forward in itself. I'm going to continue to try and live my life deliberately and with mindfulness and think and trust and be patient that eventually I'll be back in sync.

Small victories

It really is the little victories in life that carry you through. Yesterday I had two small victories, in addition to the big victory of my asthma drug cocktail kicking in so my painful coughing stopped.

Victory #1: I successfully trimmed my cat's nails with no bodily harm to my person and a minimal amount of yowling and squirming. The last time I tried this I only got her two front paws done and had lovely scratches on my arm that are just now fading. The key? The element of surprise. I snagged Capri with a towel, wrapped her up, sat on the edge of the tub trapping her body between my knees, and had one front paw done and was half way through the second before she realized what had hit her. Seriously. All. Four. Paws. Trimmed. Even her dewclaws. A victory indeed.

Victory #2: I finally managed to get my cell phone number switched to a local Philly number. I hadn't changed it from my previous city of residence due to all the identity theft issues. But that's (hopefully) over now, so I'm free to finally separate myself and stop paying taxes to that previous city so I can keep the number. Yes, they really were charging me both a city and state sales tax as well as a business license surcharge, for a total of over $7 a month. Ridiculous!! Once again I had a very pleasant interaction with the customer service at Verizon, making the whole process smooth and easy. Somehow I also feel a bit more "settled" in Philly by having all local numbers.

What small victories will I have today, I wonder.

Not laziness, but rather mindfulness

I had plans for the weekend. Productive plans. Things to accomplish. Good intentions to get all this extra stuff done. Lists to cross things off of.

My plans were initially waylaid by a snuggly dog and cat that made for lazy mornings. It's amazingly difficult to get up when the dog has crawled up onto the bed next to you and snuggled up close, snoring gently near your shoulder. Especially when the cat curls up on the other side of you and you can feel the gentle vibration of her purr by your knees. And there was that Saturday afternoon nap with the cat in the sun.

So my productive weekend became a lazy weekend. And I'm OK with that. I think we all need lazy weekends every now and then. Where we don't worry about the dishes in the sink, or the dust on the side table. Get the necessary stuff done, and not worry about the rest. We just pause and enjoy the moment, being mindful of where we are and what we're doing.

That mindfulness is something I'm working on. Being in the moment, and not thinking about what's coming next. Just being aware of what I'm doing at that very moment. And it's not just for when you're doing nothing, but also when you're doing anything and everything. It's kind of an active meditation. Focusing on the activity at hand and not thinking about other things. Focus on doing the dishes. Focus on cooking your dinner. Focus on walking, or the act of breathing. Don't think about what you have to do next, and after that, and after that.

It's harder than you think.

I was calling this weekend a lazy weekend, when I realized that rather than being lazy, I was mindful of each thing I did. I didn't get as much done (the to-do list is still there), but nothing I had planned to do was critical, so why was I so intent on getting all this stuff done? Instead, by being mindful of each thing I was doing, I had a wonderfully relaxing weekend. I don't feel guilty. A good chunk of my stress has melted away. So I'm no longer calling this a lazy weekend. Rather, it was a weekend of mindfulness. I got done what needed to get done, and was able to enjoy each activity. Including doing the dishes, which is my least favorite chore, AND snuggling with the pets, which is one of my favorite things ever. Mindfulness is a beautiful thing, when I can do it successfully. And this weekend is an example of success. I hope I have more days like this weekend.

Coming back to life

I'm still alive. Really. I know I haven't posted for two months. I was in "keep my head down and maybe I won't lose it" mode. Things have been a bit insane and until the personal earthquakes finally stopped I just focused on making it through each day.

Here's a nice summary list of the major events since July, in rough chronological order, handily organized by month.

July
*My cousin gives birth to a baby boy! Welcome to the family! My grandmother can now stop putting pressure on me about having her great-grandbabies before she dies (for some reason she was fixated on me being the one to have the babies). So thank you to my cousin. :)
*I take a long weekend and drive up to Boston, MA for a friend's wedding reception (YAY for LHK and WK!!) and to visit a good friend from grad school. Flickr pictures of the reception and my friend's garden (BF is an amazing gardener!).
*I move mid-month.
One week after moving the following events occurred:
*Visitors! My good friends LC and SB!
*Ozomatli concert! (the reason for my visitors)
*A leak appears in the ceiling in my bedroom closet, forcing me to take all the clothes I had recently unpacked and put away back out of the closet again.

August
*The leak in my closet ceiling is due to a leak in upstairs bathroom tub faucet. During repairs, the leak spreads to middle of my bedroom and rains all over the clothes I had removed from the closet to protect them. Dammit.
*Bike tires meet trolley rails. Ouch!
*Mid-month my mother arrives for a visit! YAY!!!
*One day prior to my mother's arrival, my landlord has a disagreement with the gas company and they turn off the gas service to the property. The gas powers the heat, hot water, and my stove. So now I can't shower or cook. Fortunately it's August so I don't have to worry about the heat just yet.
*My landlord replaces the gas hot water heater and my gas stove with electric appliances (note the furnace is NOT replaced at this time). I spend FIVE DAYS while they do this without hot water or the ability to cook anything. My mother suffers with me. Great visit, no?
*My mother fortunately is able to extend her visit by a few days so we can enjoy each others company once we've showered. :) She helps me finish unpacking and settling into my new apartment.
*My sister comes for a visit to attend the Nine Inch Nails concert with me!! w00t!! A truly incredible concert. We had a wonderful time hanging out together the rest of the weekend too.
*In the midst of all of this, things continue to change and move forward into an uncertain (yet encouraging) future at work. My new library school intern also started work the second week of August and I spend much of the first part of the month training her. Fortunately she's a quick study.

September
*Work is crazy. The students return and the semester begins. Additional organizational changes at work are announced.
*Mid-month I take a few days vacation that don't involve a pet emergency/drama, apartment drama, or some other drama. I enjoyed several days with no internet spending time with a really good friend just hanging out and relaxing. It was wonderful. Then I returned home and opened my email. Yikes.
*Upon returning from my [far too brief] vacation I adopted a cat to bring my total of four-legged furry children to two. Yes, a cat named Capri (pics on Flickr). And she and the dog get along just fine, thankyouverymuch.

October
*Work continues to be insanely busy.
*The month starts off badly with me getting sick with a fever for two days after getting soaked by rain.
*One of my best friends from college gets married in Louisville, KY. YAY for EH and KD!! Congrats!! KD, you are a very lucky woman as EH is an awesome guy. I'm so glad I was able to attend and had a blast at the wedding (photos I took at the event are posted here on Flickr).
*It gets cold. Since my landlords have not replaced my furnace or gotten the gas turned back on, the temperature in my apartment drops to 62 degrees, sometimes dipping a bit below that during the night. I start sleeping in my long underwear (normally reserved for camping) and wool socks.
*I get sick. Again. With the cold from hell that lays me up for nearly a week when my asthma kicks in and breathing becomes work. For several days after I start recovering I continue to sound like a husky lounge singer.
*The Phillies win the World Series! The city erupts in chaotic celebrations. Mayor Nutter reminds everyone: "You can be joyous. You cannot be a jackass." Fabulous!
*A new leak appears in the ceiling of my bedroom...this time in the middle of the room. I have to move the dog bed so plaster doesn't fall on her head.
*At the end of October I still don't have heat. After 3 workmen give estimates about what it would cost to convert to electric heat, my landlord decides to make a deal with the gas company to turn the gas back on so they can fire up the furnace. Mind you, access to the furnace for the building is through MY apartment...so each new workman means another person in my space.

November
*On Monday, Nov. 3rd, after 3 more days, a visit from the gas company to replace a meter (also in my apartment) and turn the gas back on, and visits from THREE different handymen, the furnace is finally turned back on and my apartment has heat! Just in time for a warm spell...oh well.
*The handymen on Monday kill two birds with one stone with their visit and fix the leak at the same time they get the furnace fired up! Efficiency is a beautiful thing.
*History is made and we elect Barak Obama as our next president. I am ecstatic!!

And I think that brings us to the present.

Memoir in brief

I've been tagged by my colleague KS. Dammit. And this meme is really hard. It's taken me awhile to come up with my answer.

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser: Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It’s a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.”

1. Write your own six word memoir.
2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like
3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post (http://herebaby.blogspot.com/2008/06/six-word-memior.html) if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogsphere
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links
5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

Drum roll please...my memoir would be titled:

Trying to live and love gracefully.

Of course, if I could I'd add the subtitle: but not always succeeding.

I'm tagging the following people:

Err-what?!

Statute of Frogs

Eclectic Librarian

A Few of Mrs. Dude's Favorite Things

Library Despot 3.0

Good luck people! This was difficult (as evidenced by my desire for a subtitle).

Back into the chaos

So I'm back from ALA. I returned home on Wed., July 2nd and dove right back into the thick of things. I realize I'm two conferences behind on reports (NASIG and ALA), and I haven't posted a general update about things going on at work or with the apartment hunt. I'll start with the easy one, the general update. Watch for conference reports later this week as I get them written up. Here is the general update in a nice bulleted list:

*I found an apartment. The application was accepted while I was in Anaheim. I'll move in about two weeks. I spent my long holiday weekend cleaning, purging, and organizing so I can pack (I do not need office supplies in three different rooms on two different floors!). TWO WEEKS!! EEK! More details later.

*Much of my time at work the past three weeks has been spent training new staff. This week we also begin the interview process to hire my intern. Which means that once my new staff person starts to be independent, I'll have an intern to train. I now dub this the summer of staff training.

*The task force formed to facilitate the current phase of the reorganization at work has begun meeting. We're still trying to figure out what we're supposed to be doing and how to go about bringing together three departments/units into one department. We're beginning by examining workflows and trying to streamline them. I'm still trying to just go with the flow and reserve judgment about the end result.

*The dog is fine. Sending her to the kennel with her own food seems to have alleviated the post-kennel gastrointestinal issues she was having. I think the weather (rather humid) is slowing her down as her energy level was really low over the weekend. Either that or she was exhausted watching me go up and down the stairs ten-thousand times as I sorted and organized everything to prepare to pack my house. Fortunately, she continues to not be bothered by thunderstorms or fireworks, which made my life much easier given the neighborhood festivities surrounding the 4th of July.

That's it. My life right now is consumed by moving preparations and work. At least it's keeping me out of trouble, right?

On change

My life is in flux right now. Lots of changes in pretty much every aspect of my life. And all change requires adjustment. There are lots of little ones, but there are three major ones that eclipse the little things.

Change #1: I'm trying to move. This should ultimately be a good change. But I'll have to weather moving (a pain even under the best of circumstances and planning), finding new routes for my commute, errands, etc., a new neighborhood, new area for dog walking, etc. So any move, even within the same city, results in a multitude of changes to routines. And I am a creature of habit who likes to be in control of her immediate world (routine = good), so changes to routines are not my favorite thing. Nor are they my dog's favorite thing. Dogs do best if there is structure and routine in their life, so any move also unsettles Aussie and causes some acting out on her part, which I really don't need more of these days (the recent chocolate incident was enough, thankyouverymuch).

Change #2: I have new staff. I'm in the middle of hiring an intern. And I had another staff person added to my unit. They started this past Monday. So that means new workflows, processes, and lots of time training. Don't get me wrong, I NEED these staff and am happy to have them, but it's still a big change to go from managing one person to three in a matter of a couple of weeks, especially when two of them need training.

Change #3: A reorganization at work. This is really major. Like huge. Sometime in the next 3 months I'm going to have a new boss. And while it's known I'm getting a new boss and that multiple departments/units are being combined into a new department, that's about the extent of what we know. The new organizational structure is yet to be determined. The new workflows are yet to be determined. Pretty much everything, including the name of the new department(s), is yet to be determined. And there will be more changes in the fall after this phase is complete. For now I'm trying my best to reserve judgment about the end result. I'm trying my best to just go with the flow.

I have now reached my threshold for accepting, processing, dealing with, and managing change effectively, gracefully and with any degree of maturity. I can't add any more change, and frankly, there's not much in my life left to undergo a change. And the really big changes were not initiated by me, and are not necessarily things that I want or don't want. But they're happening anyway. No one asked me, I've only been informed once the decision to make the change has been made. When it's change you're initiating, it's one thing. But when change is happening to you, as opposed to with you, it's another thing entirely. I end up feeling I'm just along for the ride whether I like it or not so hang on and say a prayer it all ends well.

I've also reached the conclusion that the universe is in the middle of using all this change to teach me another life lesson. This one could be titled "going with the flow, advanced studies." Because going with the flow is not something I do willingly or often very well/gracefully. And it's teaching it in the most drawn out, painful and intense way possible. Because there's not much else I can do with all this change at the moment besides play the "wait and see" game. I don't know how it's all going to turn out. I can't predict the ending. So I'm having to just go with the flow. This is so not my idea of a good time. Not. At. All.

It's going to be an interesting summer.

Just throw a dart at a map and go

Lately I've been entertaining thoughts of running away. Not on vacation, but truly running away. Putting only what I truly need and love into a couple of suitcases, grabbing the dog and her kennel and going someplace I've never lived before. New job. New life. Everything new and shiny.

I know this isn't good. When I get in a funk, I don't entertain thoughts of hurting myself or suicide. I don't drink to get drunk. Instead I entertain thoughts of running away. It's escapism in a different form. 'Cause really, that's what all these thoughts and behaviors are about: escape. Right now I want to escape my life. So I fantasize about running away and what my shiny new life would be like.

I know intellectually it's just a geographic cure, and what's really bothering me deep down and the frustration I'm feeling can't be cured by a move. But lately the idea of a shiny new life someplace else, where I can start fresh and reinvent myself and my life, is so appealing I find myself imagining where I would go, what I would do. What state I want to live in this time. What city. Maybe a different country or continent. Maybe a new career. Maybe something that doesn't involve libraries at all.

Then reality smacks me upside the head and I'm back sitting in front of my computer staring at yet another spreadsheet, a resource with a problem of some sort, and four new emails.

Hmm. Maybe Europe...I've never been to Europe...

Annoyed

I'm annoyed. And not at or with something or someone in particular. I'm annoyed in general. Little things are driving me up the wall. I offer a laundry list of annoyances:

*It took my landlady a week to get back to me about the leaky window. It has rained since I first reported it last Friday. And yes, the window leaked again. She and the handyman (yes, the one I refuse to deal with unless either she or her partner supervise him) came by to fix the problem today. If this repair is like the other ones, I'm not holding my breath.

*Last night the ice cream truck that circulates around the neighborhood stayed in one spot for OVER TWO HOURS while continuously playing that damn music. And it was parked only about two doors down. Even with the TV turned way up I couldn't escape the music. I thought I was going to lose my mind. If I have to hear "Do your ears hang low" one more time...

*I send emails and leave voice messages with people advertising apartments that seem to disappear into the ether. I want to see your place so I can possibly give you money, so why won't you return my messages?! I don't get it.

*I can't manage to actually complete anything. I keep getting interrupted with something else that demands attention at that moment, and inevitably before I finish the "new" task, there's another one interrupting me.

*Drivers seem to be exceptionally rude. I had one honk at me yesterday before speeding by so close the breeze from the vehicle unsettled me...on a one way road with two lanes. I guess they were too lazy to change lanes to go around me, the chick on the bike riding uphill. Today I had one speed up to pass me so they could turn right directly in front of me. Of course, they had to stop at the red light first. And I had to basically slam on my breaks (not easy to do on a bike) to keep from hitting the side of their car. Then they yelled at me to be careful. WTF?!?

And this is the short list. I could go on.

When you add up all the little annoyances, I end up just generally annoyed at the world.

Fortune please be kind

I'm down in Washington, DC for the annual CONSER/BIBCO Operations Meeting. Two days of meetings. And food. Tonight a bunch of us that arrived early enough went out for Chinese food at the same location as last year: Young Chow on SE Pennsylvania Ave. And thank you! to the local person (HN) that organized it. Of course, there were fortune cookies at the end of the meal. My fortune says:

"New and rewarding opportunities will soon develop for you."

I find this both exciting and terrifying. Exciting because they will be new! and rewarding! But terrifying because opportunities usually equal/result in more work. New and rewarding work, but WORK.

So I ask you to please be kind, fortune gods. Please.

Two cups of coffee today, please

I did not sleep well last night. First, I had a hard time falling asleep. Just one of those nights where I couldn't get comfortable. It took a long time for me to relax. I know I was still awake past midnight. I had just fallen asleep and was still in that early "light-sleep" stage when the phone rang.

The phone ringing in the middle of the night means one of two things in my world:
1. My parents are calling from Australia and counted the change in hours the wrong way. Although, in all honesty, this hasn't happened for years. When they first moved there we were always calling each other in the middle of the night because we had calculated the time difference wrong. Now that they've been there for 10 years we pretty much have gotten in down.

2. Something bad has happened. Seriously, when do you get middle of the night calls that are good things?! The phone ringing in the middle of the night usually means someone is either dead or really sick or there's an emergency of some kind.

So when the phone rang at 1:40am last night, I went flying out of bed to answer it. Adrenaline kicked in, the whole nine yards. And since I was half awake and didn't have my glasses on, I couldn't really read the caller ID. I just picked up the phone and answered.

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello? Hello?
Me: HELLO.
Caller: Who is this?
Me: Um, you're the one calling me. Who were you calling? Who are you?
Caller: Well, it's a perfectly natural question to ask who I'm talking to. So to who am I speaking?
Me: Dude, it's ONE F**KING FORTY in the morning. What do you want?
Caller: Well, if you're going to be like that... [with the gall to sound all offended that I was pissed that he woke me up in the middle of the night for no good reason]

And he hangs up. Dude, are you friggin' kidding me?!? You MOFO!

Naturally, it took me a good amount of time to calm down and have the adrenaline rush leave my system so I could fall back asleep.

It's so going to be a two cup of coffee day. Maybe even three.

Change of plans

About a month ago I received a summons for jury duty. Term of service is one day or one trial. Mind you, I've only had a Pennsylvania driver's license and registered voter for just barely over a year now. That's some interesting algorithms to get me "randomly" selected for jury duty so quickly after becoming a resident and voter.

Anyway, my summons date was for today. Notice that I am not actually at jury duty or I would not be posting this blog entry. I was "released" from duty for another year. There's this number you call the night before after 5pm and the system tells you if they still need you or not. So last night at 7:30pm my plans for the day changed and I'm at work instead of at jury duty downtown.

This method of calling in is much preferred to the method in my previous city of residence, where you show up no matter what to hang out in a room for up to three days. At 3pm each day you are told if you have to come back the next day of if you are free/released. Fun times. The benefit to sitting and waiting is that you get to read as you can't actually bring computers or cell phones in with you to the court house jury selection waiting room. So for me, it's not really possible to do any work, only reading for pleasure. The downside is that you're sitting and waiting in a room with lots of people talking around you and multiple TVs playing various daytime shows (there's nothing good on at 11am...trust me) and you aren't allowed anything to block out all the ambient noise.

But I'm free from the torture of waiting for another year. Instead I'm sitting here at work editing and commenting on various documents and in the back of my mind contemplating the idea of applying for the Master of Liberal Arts degree with a concentration in Latin American Studies. And yes, I am quite possibly insane.