Bronchial spasms

It's been quite some time since my asthma has affected my life. Often I forget I have it. I know that sounds strange, but I typically have no symptoms unless I'm sick. Last week I started coughing and had a bit of congestion. I gave the workshop with a nice husky voice, and made it through by drinking lots of tea and sucking on cough drops. The cough was still more or less under control. By Friday I was coughing regularly and having a hard time stopping a coughing fit, basically starting to lose control of my breathing. So I put the plan my doctor and I had created when I can't control my coughing into action and started a supportive inhaler (prescription standing by).

I coughed all weekend. And Monday. On Tuesday it was so bad I had coworkers coming up to me and offering me cough drops. These coworkers sit several cubes away, but my coughing was so constant it was worrying them (and probably disturbing their work). Awesome. I even had cough drops. They just weren't helping. Not. At. All. Neither was the supportive inhaler, obviously. What's worse, the coughing was waking me up at night so I couldn't even sleep. I had to use my emergency inhaler a couple of times because the coughing spasm wouldn't stop. I hate my albuterol inhaler...it makes me shake. I basically vibrate for a good hour after using it. At 3am that kind of prevents me from getting back to sleep. Not to mention taking legible notes when you're vibrating is really really hard. And I was coughing so hard it hurt.

So off to the doctor I went on Wednesday afternoon. She confirmed that I was having an asthma-related bronchial spasm. Basically there's no bronchial infection, but my body doesn't realize that so it keeps trying to cough, which irritates my lungs, which perpetuates the whole cycle. The joys of cough-variant asthma. I'm now armed with a medley of medications to stop the coughing, including a stronger supportive inhaler and a short course of steroids.

Let's hope it works so I can get some good sleep. Not to mention I'm tired of tea and cough drops.

Hell of a week

So that leak in my bedroom ceiling we thought was fixed? Yeah. Not so much. In fact it got worse. It was practically raining in my bedroom for several days last week. Well, maybe not a steady rain, but a constant drip. And the spots where it was dripping have expanded so now there's three. I currently have a bucket, a trash can, and a plastic bag to catch the water from the various locations. It soaked through three towels just from side drips and soaking up what was already in the carpet. I'm running out of rag towels to use as the wet ones need replacing faster than they dry. Various chunks of drywall compound have fallen down. And wet plaster/paint/drywall paper? YUCK. It's sticky and gloopy and generally a pain to clean up. Since the carpet is wet, bits of it are stuck to the fibers...I'll have to wait for things to dry out before I can vacuum up the plaster crumbs.

To make matters worse, the fallen compound revealed something more sinister: black mold (no, I haven't had it cultured so I don't know if it's the toxic variety, but I also just want it to go away so I don't have to find out). The ceiling panels are also all warped now from the weight of all that water. They aren't lining up properly anymore so there are gaps between them and they're all bowed so the ceiling looks like it has a big lump in it. There are at least three panels in the ceiling that will have to be replaced between the water damage and mold. Good times.

To add insult to injury, I woke up with a horrific earache in my right ear last Wednesday. Turns out my Eustachian tube is inflamed and the fluid can't drain and the air pressure can't equalize. So I have fluid and air trapped behind my eardrum. The good news is that it's not infected...yet. Unless the fluid drains soon, however, it can become infected. The nearest I can describe the feeling is when you're flying and the pressure in your ears won't equalize so your ear hurts and feels like it needs to "pop." I sneezed and thought my head was going to explode. And it keeps affecting my balance because my inner ear pressure is all off.

The fun just never ends around here. I believe a phrase used by a colleague best describes it: "ass circus" (thanks LR!).

Restless

The universe has a twisted sense of humor. I haven't had a severe cold in over a year and a half (since I moved to Philly). Seriously. My asthma inhaler had been floating around in my bag and had to be cleaned before I could even use it. Normally, my asthma is non-medicated. When I get a cold or respiratory infection, however, it hits me hard and my lungs don't handle it well and I'm extremely susceptible to complications. Colds often require what is considered asthma maintenance medication for extra support and/or my emergency inhaler for a few days so I can breathe comfortably and not wheeze or whistle and to keep things from getting worse. What's more, when I pulled my inhaler out to use it, I discovered it was set to expire soon and I needed a new prescription. Not good. But, on the other hand, it's bloody fantastic that it had been so long since I used it that I hadn't noticed it was about to expire. Fortunately, I was able to get in to see a doctor on Monday afternoon and now have a nice shiny new emergency inhaler and an additional maintenance medication inhaler to use for the next month while I get over this vicious cold. And I'm breathing easier again, even with all the coughing and nose blowing. Phew.

At any rate, last Friday was my birthday. And I was home sick with the horrific cold and using my emergency inhaler. This does not qualify as a good birthday, to say the least. I'm trying to convince myself that I really celebrated my birthday a week early in St. Louis, MO by consuming way too many cupcakes and spending time with friends. Basically calling the mini-vacation a birthday gift to myself. It's kind of working, I think I'm starting to believe it.

But my actual birthday was last Friday. And for some reason, this birthday is just not sitting well with me. Normally birthdays don't bother me. Yes, in general birthdays are very important to me, both mine and those of my friends and family. A day to celebrate that the people I love were born and are in my life, and an excuse to get all sappy and remind them they are important to me. That's the purpose of birthdays in my opinion. As I said last year: "Physical gift or card or not, reminding someone that you're happy they were born is a gift in itself."

I've never had a birthday freak-out or dreaded becoming another year older. I've never had the OMG-I'm-turning-X reaction to a birthday. Frankly, the only time I actually felt a bit old is when my younger sister turned 25, and that was a few years ago now. Turning 25 or even 30 didn't faze me in the slightest.

This year my feelings towards my birthday are different. While certainly not a significant number, it is not sitting well. I feel restless and frustrated. And kind of incomplete/unfulfilled. I wasn't entirely sure why. So I took stock of the past year. And it was rough for me personally: dealing with my identity theft, having several fallings out with people I thought were friends (which makes me sad) and losing their support when I really needed it, settling into a new city/job, my dog having health issues related to getting old (I'm not dealing well with my dog getting old...she's supposed to live forever), battles with my former phone company AT&T (just to get what I was paying them for), issues with my rental house (leaking roofs, etc.), and all that along side other things that constitute the daily challenges of life. And looking at that list I started to understand why I feel so tired.

And then I looked back at where I thought I'd be in my life by now. Everyone has an idea of where they expect to be 5, 10, 15 years down the road. It may not be set in stone, but there are general things you expect and want out of life. I always thought by this point in my life I'd be settled somewhere, possibly owning my own home. Hopefully with a partner and at least thinking about children. Instead I feel restless, unsettled. And quite frustrated with my life in general. Don't get me wrong, I love my job (frustrations and all) and my career. That's about the only thing that I feel has really grown and moved forward for me in positive ways recently.

But I know I need balance between my work/career and my life, and it's that life half of the balance that's giving me issues right now. My life isn't where I want or expected it to be. And I've tried to move forward, but things just haven't been going my way and I truly feel like most of my life the past year has been one battle after another. And I'm tired. Tired of feeling like I'm having to work hard at everything, even to get the simplest things done. I don't know if it's something I'm doing (or not doing), or if it's something else. Maybe I'm trying/working too hard or trying to force things. Maybe I'm not trying/working hard enough or trying the wrong things. I don't know. And I also don't know where to go from here or what happens next.

Still, I'm restless and frustrated. That much I do know.

Quiet communication

Things have been quiet the past few days. Ironically, shortly after my phone line was fixed and it could transmit voice again, my voice disappeared. That's right, laryngitis. For the past two days, I've sounded like a mouse that's a lounge singer at night, husky and squeaky at the same time. It's great. The dog keeps looking at me whenever I try to say something to her with her ears all cocked forward like she's straining to hear me. Sigh.

My mom used to get laryngitis at least once a year. Maybe it was too much yelling at us girls, but I think it was her body's version of a cold. Everyone else got a head cold, Mom got laryngitis. The blogger Fussy shared a scary quote from a movie she watched the other day (I'm paraphrasing): we don't become our parents, we just pick up where they left off. So now that Mom doesn't get laryngitis regularly anymore, does this mean I start to fill in for her? [A scary thought, no?]

Anyway, the nurse at my doctor's office ordered me to rest my voice. Fortunately, in this day and age, it's possible to communicate verbally from a distance without saying a word. I'm not talking about non-verbal communication (body language), but how I can still communicate with the outside world even without a voice. Between text messaging, email, and status updates, I'm not isolated. A little stir crazy maybe, but not isolated.

Besides, how would one call in sick without a voice if it wasn't for email?!

On migraines

Do you get migraines? I hope not. I wouldn't wish one on my worst enemy (well maybe my worst...but not anyone else).

Migraines for me are best described as "emotional hangovers." Sudden increases in stress can also result in one. I think it's that the stress/emotion is so intense that it manifests itself physically in the form of a migraine. There's just too much for me to process, so it gives me the headache from hell.

They usually only last a day (half a day if I'm lucky), but they're exhausting, require lots of pain-killing drugs (aspirin works best), and I get light sensitive so I spend hours lying in bed with a blanket over my eyes. There's just nothing else I can do besides wait it out. And I feel drained for days afterwards.

I feel so much sympathy for those people that get migraines regularly. That have to have prescription drugs targeted to keep migraines at bay. I can't imagine having to live with migraines. I can still kill mine with regular doses of extra-strength aspirin and sleep over a 24 hour period. And I don't get them regularly, thank the heavens.

But one woke me up today. I could feel it coming yesterday afternoon with a dull ache between my eyes. I had a bit of a stress increasing shock on Monday, and the stress shows no sign of going away anytime soon, so by yesterday afternoon it had built up a bit. So I did my best to beat the migraine before it hit me (took aspirin before bed, went to bed really really early), but when the pain meds wore off at 3:30/4:00 in the morning, it woke me up. It was that intense. Ugh. Took most of the day for it to subside. And I'll be going to bed early tonight so it doesn't come back.

I really wouldn't wish a migraine on anyone.

The conference crud strikes early

I've blogged about the conference crud before. It's inevitable. You will most likely get it if you spend any time at all in conference sessions, on the exhibit floor, or on a shuttle bus. If you aren't ever in one of those three places during a conference, well, then you're not in attendance.

This year the conference crud has apparently struck early. Lots of people are sick and have even missed a day or two of work in the past week leading up to the 2008 ALA Midwinter Meeting (which officially starts Friday). There's been a vicious head cold that's been making the rounds at work. I myself was laid flat out on Monday with it (consisting of congestion, headache, sore throat and a general all over icky feeling). I slept all day on Monday and am much better, although there's some residual congestion hanging around. I have friends and colleagues all over the country that have reported being sick. Most of them have to get on a plane today or tomorrow to come to Philly for the meeting. The only thing worse than catching the conference crud and going home sick is being sick before you even arrive at the conference. Conferences are exhausting, and doubly so when you're not feeling well.

Maybe, just maybe, if I'm now well on the way to recovery (light years better than on Monday), maybe this was it and my bout of the crud is over and done with for this conference. Either that or we're all going to converge and trade germs and go home with each other's version of the crud.

But let's think positive. Let us all hope and believe that the conference crud struck early this year and it's now over and done with.

And then the realist in me says: "sure, and rainbows will be shining out of my butt next week."

Misc. observations and an update

Ever notice how delegating something to someone else to get things off your plate so you can do other things doesn't actually work?

That said, also ever notice how people can surprise you if you're patient enough to figure out a way to explain things so they'll understand? I really need to focus on being more patient and creative in my explanations. It goes a looonngg way.

On to the update. I was out sick on Thursday and Friday. Fever, headache, the whole shebang. Now that the weekend has arrived, it's developed into a miserable head cold. Good thing I bought the BIG box of tissues last time.

It's been awhile since I've been really sick. I've had the occasional migraine, a mild sinus infection, a wicked cold (aka the "conference crud"), a bout of food poisoning, but it had been quite some time since I'd missed more than a day of work because of a fever. I'm not a good sick person. Some people are good sick people. They let people take care of them, they behave, they get lots of rest and they get better.

I am not one of those people.

I hate, really hate being babied when I'm sick. I've been that way my whole life...even as an infant I didn't like being coddled and cuddled when I wasn't well or had fallen down. Frankly, all I want is for the whole world to go away so I can be miserable all by myself. And if you try to take care of me I'll tell you to go away. And if you don't go away, I'll get mean. Seriously. Just leave me alone to be miserable and when I feel human again I'll rejoin the world. And I'm not very good at the resting thing. I get impatient and tend to push myself to get back to things before I'm fully better...which means that either it takes me longer to get better or I relapse. For someone with asthma that has a tendency to develop severe respiratory infections, this is not good.

So I'm quite proud of myself this time that I did rest. I slept. A lot. And I made sure I ate good food and drank lots of water and tea. I didn't push myself, instead, I let myself be sick and what do you know, I actually felt better sooner (there's a lesson in there somewhere...I'm sure of it). OK, so I have a nasty cold now, but it's not in my chest and I'm going to continue to take it easy this weekend. I have rugby to watch (the Semi Finals! England v France today and South Africa v Argentina on Sunday! GO ARGENTINA!) and ice hockey to watch. I'm going to be good and drink lots of tea and rest and not feel bad about taking an extra nap this afternoon. And hopefully I'll be fully human again by Monday when I have to go back to work.

In happy news, fall has finally arrived. I finally feel confident enough that it's not going to get so unbearably warm again that I took the window A/C unit out of my bedroom window this morning (my one chore for the weekend, I promise). I have windows open all over my house and it feels wonderful to let in all that fresh cool air. I love fall. It is, perhaps, my favorite season. The beautiful sunny days that you can walk around outside in a t-shirt but the evenings/nights are cool enough to need a jacket. That cool and crisp feel to the world. The kind of weather that you want to be outside because it's so perfect, not too hot, not too cold, just perfect. It's invigorating. I even put the quilt back on my bed, and it felt so good to snuggle up under it the past few nights.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my tea and my TV are waiting for me downstairs with my dog.

Conference crud

Every conference there is a percentage of individuals who catch the "conference crud." This can be described as the cold from hell. These people still have to attend every meeting and session anyway because they're there for a reason. So there's always a few people coughing and blowing their noses. Half of my committee had this version of the crud by our second meeting this Midwinter. Some people get a crud that's even worse: they puke their guts out (food poisoning? possibly...or just the crud). These people fortunately stay in their hotel rooms and just consider the conference a wash.

The worst thing is that you cannot avoid people with the crud. They're everywhere...shuttle buses, meetings, the exhibit floor, everywhere (unless they're puking in their hotel room). Each conference I try to NOT catch the crud. Some years I'm successful, and don't get sick.

This year I'm not so lucky. I have the crud. Fortunately, I have the cold from hell version. My head aches, my body aches, my head is stuffed up so I can't breathe through my nose (fortunately the dog doesn't care if I snore or drool while I sleep with my mouth open) and to top it off, the air is so dry from the heat that I keep getting minor nose bleeds whenever I blow my nose. Ick.

I'm going back to bed now...