Dear Anonymous commenter

Recently I received the following comment on my May 13, 2010 post "Common sense has left the building":

"The narcissistic person is marked by a grandiose self-image, a constant need for admiration, and a general lack of empathy for others..."

The comment was left by "Anonymous". I don't know who this person is. They could be the person who I discovered is a perpetual victim with anger issues and summarily said "buh bye" to back in March/April. They could be the individual with the profile name "MrAssMan69" [seriously...that's his username...and no, I didn't look at his profile...he showed up in the list of people that visited my profile] who I've been making fun of for the past week [how can I not with a profile name like that? how could he think that was a good idea?!?]. Anonymous could be one of several petty individuals I know who like to leave anonymous comments on people's blogs because they think it's funny to either attempt to piss them off or leave nasty/judgmental comments just to be mean (as both mean people and mean-spirited actions).

At any rate, I do not know who they are. Anonymous commenter did not provide an email. This leads me to believe that they are too much of a coward to engage in dialogue related to their comment.

So since Anonymous hasn't left me a means of contacting them or responding privately, I'm choosing to respond to their comment publicly in this post.

Dear Anonymous,

Your comment lacks context. Who is the narcissistic person you are referring to? The people who participate in online dating? Myself for having some expectations? Are you attempting to judge me? Judge online dating in general?

Because if it's me, well, pardon me for expecting someone that's using an online dating site to actually want to get to know me as a person. You know, to DATE. As in pursue a relationship with. It's kind of hard to do that unless you take some time to actually get to know someone. To that end, I have expectations (as detailed in the post cited above and summarized here):

• Expectations that someone might actually read my profile before contacting me.
• Expectations and hopes that they might actually be going into this with the same genuine intent I am and aren't just looking for casual sex.
• Expectations that they might want to get to know ME and not some fantasy.
• Expectations that they are representing themselves honestly and to the best of their ability by taking some time on their own profile.

If I'm the narcissistic one for having expectations, well fine. I don't think my expectations are all that unreasonable or even narcissistic by your definition given that this is about trying to date people.

So, Anonymous, care to weigh in? Provide some context? Reveal your identity and own what you're saying instead of hiding behind the safety wall of anonymity? It's not like this is a 12 step program where anonymity is critical to create a safe environment for people seeking help. This is a blog for goodness sake. A blog on the internet.

Also, care to cite the source of your definition?

Looking forward to hearing from you to continue the dialogue.

-Me.

Common sense has left the building

I am convinced that common sense has decided to take a vacation. Or has at least gone out for coffee.

My foray into online dating continues, and wow, I am a bit flabbergasted by some of the things I've encountered. You'd think that since this is the third time I've tried this I would have been prepared. Um, not so much.

A few things that I consider common sense (and common courtesy):

1. If someone takes the time to send you and email, for goodness's sake, take the time to write them back. Or use the little easy button most online dating sites provide to send an automated message that you're not interested. Not replying at all just makes you look like an asshole.

2. Please finish your divorce before signing up for online dating. Or, at the very least, set your relationship status as "separated" rather than "divorced." Because if your divorce is still in process, YOU ARE NOT SINGLE. Divorced is PAST tense, not current. ::facepalm::

3. Read someone's profile all the way through. Read their requirements. If you do not fit what I am looking for, please don't waste my time. I was very specific and selective about what I'm looking for, narrowing it down to the very important deal-breaking elements. I have good reasons for these. For example, I have asthma. Being with a smoker is not in the best interest of my health.

3a. Read someone's profile all the way through, part deux. I have a cat. She's a punk but I love her to death. You winking at me to indicate you're interested, only for me to find out when I check out your profile that you're deathly allergic to cats and hate them, well, clearly it's not going to work out between us. Again, please don't waste my time.

4. Stereotyping me or fixating on one specific thing is really not OK. I am not your fetish. I am not your fantasy of the "sexy librarian." Please to go away now.

5. Please take the time on your profile to do the following: proper spelling and proper capitalization (all lower case or ALL CAPS are both equally annoying). Also, please fill it out enough that I have some clue about who you are. Filling in the required space with nonsense about how you don't want to describe yourself or your interests, well, I won't be contacting you. Your profile is a representation of you. It's the first filter. Invest some time and effort in it. Making only a half-assed effort doesn't reflect well on you as a person.

Am I asking too much?

And dude-with-potential goes down in FLAMES

So, remember those personality quirks I mentioned that were annoyances? The ones that were sitting in the back of my head and kind of poking at me that something wasn't quite right? Well, my instincts were right. I really need to remember to listen to them more often.

At any rate, turns out those little annoyances pointed to something much bigger and much more serious. A perpetual victim (see also victim playing), complete with anger issues, among other issues that came to light. Victims are those people that blame everyone else for their problems, and take no responsibility for themselves, their lives, or their actions (past or present). Victims generally think that everything wrong in their life is someone else's fault or society's fault as a whole. They see themselves as victims of great injustice.

I discovered over the course of several conversations that he has absolutely no awareness or understanding of the concept of the upper-middle class white heterosexual male privilege that he grew up with and still has as a matter of course. Instead he feels justified in complaining about anything and everything and blaming the world for the fact that his life isn't just perfectly the way he wants it. And yet he does pretty much nothing to improve himself or change his not-perfect life. He's perfectly content blaming the world for his unhappiness.

Victims are also often (although not always) angry about the injustice(s) they face. And in this case he is angry enough that I was flinching and cringing internally at the vitriol he was spewing as my date went off about yet another way his life sucks because of someone else. He has some serious and slightly scary anger issues.

I will not date another perpetual victim nor will I live with that kind of anger in my life. You don't like your life? Well then change it. The only person that can change/control your life is YOU. The world doesn't owe you anything. Here's the world's tiniest violin, now go grow up and get a pair. I'm not going to try and rescue you or fix your life for you. Nor am I going to stick around and listen to you complain and then turn your attacks on me for calling you out on your victim behavior and anger issues.

So I'm walking away and diving back into the dating pool. Moving on.

[Side note: Hooray for personal growth and ending unhealthy patterns in my own relationship behaviors!]

Online dating...take 3

In the interest of actually getting out of the house with some regularity and meeting someone I might actually want to have a long-term relationship with, I reactivated my online dating profile.

If you're counting, this is take three for me and online dating. I swear on whatever god/gods/goddesses you want, if this online dating experience becomes the train wreck the previous two times did, well, that's it. Never again. Three strikes, and online dating will be OUT. I'll have to go back to asking, err, begging my friends to help a gal out and play matchmaker.

Also, the "creep quotient" is definitely calculable. The inevitable "divorced Catholic with 3 kids" has contacted me, as have "never been to college," "bad speller," "types in ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME" (please stop yelling at me...kthxbai), and the "conservative but not narrow" (cough...bullshit...cough) individuals. Yeah. All have been politely told "thanks but NO." Moving on.

But so far this time things are going better than in the past. Fewer creeps overall. AND I have been on multiple dates. With the same person.

Yeah. Shocking, I know. I can hardly believe it myself. I think that means things are going well. We're getting to know each other. And yes, I do want to know more, we haven't run out of things to talk about, and I genuinely enjoy their company, despite (or in spite of?) the personality quirks that have appeared. That's good, right? No major red flags, just a couple of annoyances. Not that we won't be talking about at least a few of those personality quirks/annoyances, but still, overall I think it falls on the side of good. There's potential.

So I'm calling this 3rd round at online dating so far so good. Now I have the difficult task of trying to not think about or over-analyze the dates/person (um...yeah...right...) and just sit back and enjoy the experience and see what develops.

More than just groceries

A few months ago, shortly after I moved to my current apartment, I went grocery shopping on a Sunday afternoon at a store a bit farther away than my "normal" store. There's nothing wrong with my neighborhood store, but it's small and doesn't have some of the specialty items I periodically need or want (for example their cereal selection is limited). So now and then I need to go to a larger store with more options. There's one grocery store in particular over near the pet supply store that I really like that has excellent variety. I combine my errands and get both dog food and people food in one trip.

The store was exceptionally busy that afternoon, and it was a rather long wait at the deli counter. People were impatient, several people cut ahead of me in line, but I was in no hurry so I just waited and decided that it was no big deal. The people behind the deli counter (a guy and a woman) were chatty, and were really pleasant with me, probably because I wasn't impatient or short with them (pleasantness begets pleasantness, you know). I didn't think anything of it.

I should have paid more attention.

About 15 minutes later, while standing in the dressing aisle trying to pick out a couple of new salad dressings (again with the excellent variety), someone walks up behind me and says: "Hey cutie-pie!" Yes, he called me cutie-pie.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned around to see the guy from the deli counter. He was on break. "Hi," I stammered back once I had remembered how to breathe. Next thing I know we're engaged in conversation. I think I was too stunned to escape before he starts asking me a few questions (name, are you single, why haven't I seen you here before, etc.), continuing to call me cutie-pie throughout the conversation, and then hands me a piece of paper with his name and phone number on it and tells me to call him sometime if I would be interested in having dinner or a drink with him. He then says he has to get back to his shift and walks away.

After he left, I dawns on me what had just happened. I was picked up in the grocery store by the deli guy. He tracked me down in the store on his break to give me his phone number.

OMG. Of course nothing ever came of it because I'm not all that interested in dating right now (my life is complicated enough). And then I realized I can never shop at that store again. Dammit.

Recently I decided to tempt fate and go back to that store (I hadn't been back yet). Again, I was in the vicinity picking up pet supplies and I needed a few things. But since I didn't need anything from the deli counter, I decided to go for it and hope and pray I didn't run into him because I didn't feel like explaining myself and admittedly felt a bit guilty I didn't say "no" when it all went down. I was too startled to escape gracefully at the time. Fortunately, I didn't see him and escaped the store without incident. I don't know if I'll tempt fate a second time.

Snap judgment

I went out on a coffee date recently with a nice guy. We'd emailed a handful of times and then met for a face to face chat to start getting to know each other. I thought things went fine, the conversation flowed smoothly, no awkward pauses, we seemed to have plenty to talk about and plenty of things in common.

Well, he decided that things would never work. After only one meeting and a handful of emails. He even explained why.

Because I vote.

To him, the fact that I vote indicates that I believe in our current political system and he can never be close to someone that does. Mind you, he never actually asked me about my political views. Instead he drew this conclusion through several assumptions and by inferring various things from emails and our conversation. I used a buzz word when I described something (what isn't a buzz word these days?). I asked him if he voted in an email. It happened to be the PA primary that day, so it was a topic of conversation all over the news, and in addition to the primary there were several ballot measures up for the vote.

My political views, however, are not as simple as he thinks they are. He would know this if he had asked instead of making a snap judgment based on assumption.

As you all know, I'm a big proponent of voting. It's important to exercise your right to vote, to exercise your voice. And I will continue to vote until they forcibly take the right away from me by prying it from my (still warm) dead hands. I'm grateful I live where I do have the right to voice my opinion. But that doesn't mean I believe in our system as it exists today. Our system is broken. Our system is imperfect and flawed. But it's what we have to work with right now. And to change it, you have to participate. You can't change things while sitting on the sidelines. You have to use your voice, even within our broken system, to push for the things you do believe in. If you choose not to participate, then shut up and deal with the outcome. Don't get all high and mighty and lecture me about how the system sucks. I've said it before, by choosing to not participate you've given up your right to b!tch and moan about the way things turn out and the way things are. To put it another way, if you don't participate by choice, then you become nothing but a victim. I don't want to go through life as a victim, thankyouverymuch, so I choose to participate in an imperfect/messed up system in an attempt to make it better. I prefer to be active and try rather than just exist as a passive victim of the system. [OK, getting off my soapbox now. Thank you for indulging me.]

Frankly, I'm kind of glad he made the decision quickly. Looks like we agree on one thing: it clearly wouldn't work. I now know that for sure. Because I could never be with someone willing to make such a snap judgment and jump to conclusions based on nothing more than assumption. I could never be with someone so closed minded or someone that could only be with someone if they agree on everything (sameness is boring...I prefer a diversity of opinions). I could never be with someone that didn't take the time to actually ask and learn about a person before making a decision.

Obviously he and I approach the world very very differently. And that's OK. He's still a nice guy, despite the fact he made a snap judgment about me that happened to be quite wrong. But he was definitely right that it would never have worked out.

a R.S.V.P. conundrum

The person I've been friends with the longest is getting married this summer. HF (soon to be HL?) and I have known each other since we were three years old. Our mothers share similar parenting philosophies regarding food and TV watching, so we spent a lot of time together. Somehow we've managed to stay in contact through my many moves with my family, both of us in college and grad school, she in med school (PhD/MD program!!), and both of us moving several times since college and grad school. I have letters in a box dating back to when we were around 8 years old. I met her fiance (JL) a couple of years ago when they made a trip to the city I was in then. It's amazing how with some people it's like time never passes. We just pick up where we left off as if nothing happened in between (minus some catching up of course). She's just one of those people and I can't imagine us not being friends.

So she and JL are getting married this summer. I'm so very excited and happy for her and him both! They are an adorable couple and balance each other beautifully (and he helps her lighten up). But wedding invitations present an issue for a single person. How do you R.S.V.P.? I have two options, neither of which is without problems or potential problems.

Option one: R.S.V.P. for one. I'm single. This makes sense. But for weddings you have to reply over a month in advance. This is where the problem sets in. What if I start dating someone and I want to bring them? Do I call and add a second person to my party attending? And then there's the "single person at a wedding" problem. If it is just me, and I don't really know anyone besides the bride and groom and the bride's family, it could make for a very long evening. But, conversely, HF and JL met at a wedding, so who knows, being there alone could work in my favor. Or I could feel entirely out of place. But I'm capable of talking to just about anyone and having a good time no matter what, so it could be OK. Sigh...flip...flop...flip...flop...there is no answer and I won't know until I'm there. But that security of having someone with me that I know to talk to is very appealing because then I wouldn't have the "single person at a wedding" problem to deal with.

Which brings me to option two: R.S.V.P. for two. This means I have the pressure of finding someone to go with me. Granted, this could be a friend (I've done this in the past) or it could be an actual date. But it's still pressure to find someone. And what happens if I don't find someone, friend or otherwise, to go with me? I'd have to call and say "sorry, it's just me now" which I'd just rather not have to think about doing.

Sigh...I have a few weeks before I have to mail the R.S.V.P. card, and I'm sure I'll be weighing my two options right up until I put it in the mail. Sometimes being single is a real pain in the butt.

My dog the "furry litmus test"

I read a variety of blogs, both for work and for fun. One of my fun ones is Crazy Aunt Purl, a 30-something divorced woman with four cats who knits and blogs about her life, or rather, getting on with her life post-divorce. And about her cats. I may not be divorced and I may not knit, but I can so relate to this woman. Sometimes I am convinced that there are cameras secretly taping my life so it can be turned into a sitcom, because some things just don't happen to people in real life. Ms. Crazy Aunt Purl has some of the same type of surreal experiences like running into metal filing cabinets in front of her cute boss or moments of complete inappropriateness in a variety of venues. Now, if I could only find the person doing the taping and writing the script, I could get in on the royalties and retire early. Oh, and lets not forget the co-stars...most of my friends are convinced they're being taped too, including my best friend from college. I'm pretty sure Ms. Purl might also be one of the co-stars. She, however, has written a book, which I intend to read when it's released in October, and which, come to think of it, could be converted into a script.

Friday she talked about dating, and how her cats impact her dating life. She described her cats as a "furry litmus test," both in terms of weeding out the guys that don't like cats from the start (or think she's a "crazy cat lady" for having 4 furry children) so she doesn't waste her time and that her cats have to like the guy when (or if) she decides to bring him home to meet them. Once again, can I just say how much I can relate to this woman?

Now, I don't have cats. My asthma specialist doctor threatened to come take them away from me if he found out I had cats (he's a scary little man I never want to cross, but he keeps me healthy). Apparently cats are the only thing I reacted to in the allergy testing so they can aggravate my asthma. Dogs, fortunately, I had no reaction to. I can have as many dogs as I want. But, frankly, I can barely handle the one I have. Aussie is a handful, but in a good way. She keeps my life interesting. Right now, I am actually in charge of the house, although I do have to remind Aussie of this on a regular basis (weekly, at least). I know, however, that if I ever got another dog, it would become her partner in crime and I would definitely be so NOT in charge it would be very very scary.

My dog, however, serves the same purpose as Ms. Purl's cats. Aussie is my "furry litmus test" for dating. One, anyone I date must love animals, and dogs specifically. If someone is freaked out about me having a dog, well, buh bye. Aussie is my "furry child" and has gotten me through a lot. What's better, our love for each other is unconditional...she'll always love me even when I'm sick and have snot running down my face. I even said to an ex once as he was breaking up with me: "this is why I have a dog. They don't leave, and they certainly wouldn't make up bullsh*t excuses if they did leave." We did eventually recover from his "head up his butt" moment and became friends, because ultimately, he's a good guy.

Which, actually, Aussie knew. She liked him from the start. He even showed up with a rawhide treat for her once, and she was more interested in licking his face and playing than the treat. She's an excellent judge of character. So, part two of the litmus test is: if my dog doesn't like you, I figure there's a good reason and, well, buh bye. I've tried being friends with and/or dating people that she didn't like, and I've learned that I need to trust her 'cause they all ended badly. She never did like my most recent ex, generally ignoring whatever commands were given to her and always looking to me for confirmation. She tolerated my ex's presence, but that's about it. And, as I discussed in a previous post, I'm still dealing with the aftermath of that "train wreck disguised as a relationship" (it messed me up but good). I should have trusted my dog, I know this, but I was foolish. Never again. Never again will I not respect my dog's opinion of someone.

One particular example of someone she definitely did NOT like is a guy I dated in grad school. It was a long distance thing. Long distance is never my idea of a good time, but I figured I'd give it a shot 'cause he seemed to be a good egg. Well, Aussie was not fond of him, as I learned on his first visit. She spent the entire visit trying to make sure she was always between us. Whether we were sitting on the couch or standing up, she'd force her way between us, and bark incessantly when he hugged me. [Me, internally: "Hm. I think she's trying to tell me something."] She made her dislike even more painfully (to him) clear by literally knocking him on his a**. We were at the beach, and she was running around chasing the waves. Abruptly, she stopped, turned, focused on him, and CHARGED. Full steam ahead. Getting hit by my dog who's a solid bundle of very strong muscle is like getting hit by a freight train. I know, we've collided running around playing in the yard before and I've had bruises, big black bruises. But running into me was never intentional, always accidental, and she always apologized by attacking my face with her tongue and rolling over all submissive-like. With this guy, it was personal and very much intentional. She CHARGED him. He, trying to think quick, jumped to avoid her. Foolish foolish boy. She leaped (she can clear a 3 ft. fence with room despite her short legs) and clipped him at the knees, sending him tumbling head over heels into the sand. He did not land softly. Aussie landed, turned, barked at him, and trotted over to me, head high and tail wagging, quite obviously proud of herself. The message was clear: "Mom, DITCH this guy!!" She was right. So I did, and life got much better.

I think everyone should have a "furry litmus test" for dating and even for friendships. Cat, dog, gerbil, bunny rabbit (hi, sis!), whatever. Just get you something to help you weed out the bad eggs in this world. So consider yourself warned...you must pass the dog "furry litmus test." And, no, Aussie does not accept bribes. She's too loyal to me and me only.

I love my dog. Aussie rocks.

Realizations

It's March. When did March happen? My birthday is this month...am I ready for another birthday?

What's more, I've been here in Philly for six months now. Six months. Wow. And in looking back over the previous 6 months I've come to a few realizations.

1. I am SO not ready to date

I hate to disappoint you all, but I'm not ready to climb back on the tilt-a-whirl that is dating. How do I know this? I've been on a few dates in the past 2 months. I had a good time. Met some people I'd like to get to know better, and been contacted by a few I hope to never hear from again. A recent example of the latter was a very nice person that spent 3 lines of the 5 line message they sent me talking about their love of monkeys. O-kaayyy. You go with your future zoo keeper self...just as long as you are far far away from me.

Back to the dates. Like I said, I had a good time. But I apparently still have a few issues to work through from my most recent "train wreck disguised as a relationship." Anytime my date did or said anything that even remotely reminded me of my ex, even though intellectually I know my date wasn't being my ex and that they aren't my ex, my brain went into overdrive and "OMG my ex said/did that and oh, sh*t what if this person ends up being just like my ex and I end up in another disaster-laden relationship for over a year??" panic messages would start playing on repeat in my brain. Yeah. And it could be the littlest thing my date said that intellectually I knew meant nothing, but I was analyzing everything (apparently) unconsciously looking for evidence that my date may be just like my ex. Oh boy. I need help.

So I'm not ready to date yet. Must work through my personal issues first so I don't fall back into the same patterns that have led me into bad relationships in the past. I see the big neon flashing sign that I'm not ready for the reality of dating. I get it. Thanks. I like the idea of dating...but the reality of it is a bit much for now.

There are exceptions to this (every rule has it's exception, see your primary school grammar book for proof).
-- If the person I've had a "thing" for (developed from crush to genuine attraction and yes, I do really care about this person) the past 3 or so years manages to pull their head out of their butt and things between us become a possibility, I might consider dating them. They know about my issues, they've been my friend through it and still like me anyway. And I still like them despite the fact they've been living with their head up their butt for some time now. I think it's is a good thing that we like each other no matter what. OK, "consider" is a lie. I'd probably go for it. After lots of agonizing, of course.
-- And Trent Reznor (of Nine Inch Nails, my favorite band EVER), if you are magically available and interested in dating me, call me. Seriously. Just call.

2. I still like my job

I still like the job that brought me to Philly. No regrets about taking it and moving here. I'm busy and have lots of projects I'm juggling, but it's all good stuff. Generally I'm not feeling overwhelmed or like I might not be able to do this or like I have a lot still to learn to be able to do my job. I feel capable of doing my job and like I'm in the right place to stretch and develop professionally. I still have things to learn, but that's what keeps me interested, the challenge and drive to keep learning in the ever-evolving world of librarianship and cataloging. So much change happening in my field (and in librarianship in general), and so much to keep on top of, especially with the addition of local projects and implementations, but it's all exciting and I'm not feeling buried by it all. I'm still involved in things on a national level, and feel that I'm making good connections there too.

So I still like my job. And my decision to leave my previous place of employment was confirmed by some recent decisions made by management there that are, in my opinion, ethically questionable and have upset a lot of people. Not to mention admin is trying to spin it so it doesn't sound as bad as it is...but I don't think many people are buying into the spin. To borrow a phrase from my best friend (who comes up with the best descriptive statements for things!):

Old job = insane asylum for the criminally manipulative

'Nuff said. I'm glad I'm not still there.


So overall, things in Philly are good. I still need a social life, but I've only been here for 6 months, so I feel I'm "on track" so to speak. I'm (slowly) making some friends. My home office is currently back in boxes 'cause I'm getting new carpet in there and my bedroom, which is a good thing, but unfortunately not without some drama in the process. I have a routine. More importantly, Aussie (my baby dog) has adjusted to the new routine and environment just fine. Riding my bike to work (weather permitting) and being in a lower-stress environment overall has been good for my physical health, and bonus, I'm in much better shape and have lost some weight that I needed to lose. So in general, I'd say the scale is leaning in the "life is good" direction, minus daily dramas, of course, but we all have those despite our best laid plans and intentions, so I can live with them just fine.

Valentine's Day

I am not a big fan of Valentine's Day. Particularly because I always seem to be one of the have nots. When you have displays of pink and red and hearts everywhere, sweetheart specials, and commercials focusing on love and giving gifts to or receiving gifts from those you love, the fact that you AREN'T dating anyone or don't have anyone special in your life is made painfully obvious. Painfully. This year I was disgusted to see Valentine's Day displays before Christmas. After weeks (or this year, months!) of this, having a pity party (my friend has raised this to an art form, so take notes) is quite appealing.

Even when I did have someone Valentine's Day sucked. There was the year I got dumped 2 days after Valentine's Day. Or the year the person I was dating completely forgot the day entirely. For years I've watched my friends get Valentines. When they did those pay $1 and give X to someone in school as a fund raiser I never got one. Never.

Me, I do get a Valentine every year. From my mom. No joke. She has always given me and my sister Valentines. All of my fond memories of Valentine's Day are because of her. When we were kids we'd come down to breakfast on Valentine's Day morning and there would be one of those giant heart-shaped boxes of candy sitting on the table with a card. She continued to send me a Valentine even in college. I always got a "care package" of candy with a card for Valentine's Day. Even now I know she'll probably send me a card. It's a reminder that someone loves you and cares for you. And I am grateful to her for reminding me of that.

I do give Valentines to my friends that are have nots like me, or in the middle of a break up, or in crappy relationships/relationship limbo, because I firmly believe everyone needs to be reminded that someone loves them. Even if I don't get one back (I usually don't, but oh well, I know my friends love me).

So this year I'm a have not (as usual). And my dating attempts so far have been failing miserably. But I will still be giving Valentines to my friends. And I'll be throwing myself a pity party. And you are not invited. So there.

Definitely still looking...

So I've been trying online dating for about a month now. And I've learned a few things.

1. No matter how carefully you word your profile, you WILL get people that don't read it all the way through. These people then contact you despite the fact they are a direct violation of a few of the things you've specified you're looking for.

For example, I have specified that I want someone that has at least been through college and have your bachelors degree. I'm not looking for a rocket scientist, just someone that has gone to college. I'm not being snobby, I just want someone that has been through some of the same life experiences I have. College is a BIG life experience for most people. It's four years of learning about yourself and what you want out of life. Therefore, I want the person I'm with to have had that life experience. Not only that, but I work in academia, so I'd prefer to be with someone that at least has a clue what academia is about. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

2. There are a few surefire ways to get me to NOT respond to you. Most notable is spelling. If you cannot take the time to make sure all the words in your profile blurb(s) and messages are spelled correctly, then forget it. If you're overlooking that rather large detail, what else in life do you not pay attention to? Writing your blurb or message in all caps is another way. I do not need to be yelled at, thank you very much.

Another way to guarantee I won't write you back: focusing on only one element of my profile and ignoring the rest. Yes, I want someone spontaneous that can roll with the punches of life. However, you also have to be grounded and have a steady job. Yes, you must love dogs since mine rules my life, but there is more to me than my dog. I am a person, not just a doggie-mom. Spending an entire message telling me about how excited you are to be buying a parrot will not get me to write you back. Instead, I will run screaming from my computer (especially since while birds are nice to look at, I don't want to ever own one).

For now I will keep trying. I have met at least one nice person, but I think we both knew that we'd be great friends and that's about it after talking over coffee. In addition to that nice person, I've been contacted by scary trucker-looking person, the parrot-focused (pirate?) person, someone that can't spell to save their life (and obviously didn't see that one of my requirements is college), and someone in a different country. That's one nice person to four "run away screaming" people. I don't think I like that ratio. If this trend continues then at the end of 3 months when my subscription runs out I'm going to have to try a different tactic. Maybe I'll have more luck trolling bars...

Online dating

I'm trying to get out there and meet people. So, under the recommendation of several people that have had great success, I'm trying the online dating thing again.

Yes, again. Last time I did meet someone, and it was great for awhile, but then it turned into a royal disaster. Which kind of sours you on the whole dating thing in general for some time. Especially when your ex posts a profile on an online dating site less than 3 months after you've moved out, and without telling you about it (I found out through a friend they contacted. What, you thought I wouldn't find out? Please.), AND while swearing they want to try and work things out with you at the same time. Whatever.

But, I'm never (ok, almost never) one to close my mind to things. So I'm giving it another go. It's hard to meet people in a new city. Even if there are groups and activities that you're interested in. Participation does not equal finding someone interested in dating you or that you're interested in dating. I've also been told by many people that dating in Philly is really difficult. In light of this and the recommendations of others, I'm trying the online thing. Again.

I'm not saying which sites I'm trying this time, and I will not be posting a link to whatever profile I set up. This is not a review of my profile nor a commentary/review on the different online options. Just a simple FYI that I'm jumping into the dating fray again. So brace yourself, plug your nose, and dive on in.